FRANK ZAPPA - Uncle Meat Film Excerpt Part I

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Artist: Frank Zappa

Title: Uncle Meat Film Excerpt Part I



FZ: We're shooting the uh, title sequence for Uncle Meat right now, which is

the name of the Mothers of Invention movie that we've been working on for

about three years . . . without too much success.

Don: Boy, we really need a hit single . . . Just think, I mean, the way the

world's going today . . . with all the problems in it . . . I think I can actually

change the world, because it's the young people that really need to be

changed, and, and you can really do that through music and everything . . .

This was our last hit single . . . it was really a bummer, they wouldn't even

play it on the radio . . . Oh, well, gotta come up with something better than

that . . .


Don: Good evening, this is Biff Debris.

Phyllis: You know . . . it's too much, I know.

Don: Coming to you from the motel.

Phyllis: Look at that monster.

Don: Where . . .

FZ: Ha ha ha ha!

Phyllis: What are they laughing about? He looks so beautiful when they laugh

. . .

Don: That's what my psychiatrist used to say . . .

Phyllis: Twelve years. It's the same story there with that song, I don't know

what I'm doing, but look, look at the way he's changing . . . Oh, I

remember that in the shower, the first time with the hamburger. Oh,

that was good . . . But, I don't know, twelve years marriage, you get tired

of the same thing. But I don't know, I can try it again sometime. Oh, look

there's Minnesota! He was a great guy, Minnesota Tishman . . .

Don: We're coming to the beginning of a new era

Phyllis: He was a nice guy . . .

Don: Don't you feel it coming?

Phyllis: He was, he was okay in this time. He's washed up now, I heard

about it though.


Ray: What is it you're doing, Mr. Tishman?

Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it

Aynsley: . . . pool?

Phyllis: You know what I used to do? I used to watch him eat, and while he

was eating I would ask him what he's doing.

Haskell Wexler: What the hell are we doing in this bathroom?

FZ: I'm going to . . . While you stand there and take pictures of that, I'm

gonna tell you the, the plot of the movie. Alright. Basically what we're going

to do, today, is spend some time around the house while you meet the

people that you're going to be photographing for the rest of the week . . .

and we discuss some of the absurdities . . .

Haskell Wexler: Absurdities?

FZ: Yes, we're just dealing with the . . . the absurdities of making the

movie in the first place and especially about the Mothers of Invention . . .


Guy From Alabama: You wanna have a circle-jerk?

Aynsley: The who?

Guy From Alabama: Circle-jerk.

Aynsley: A circle jerk? What's that?

Guy From Alabama: That's where you get everybody around and bet yer

meat and see who can get it the fastest.

Aynsley: Yeah?

Guy From Alabama: Yeah, and whoever wins gets nineteen kegs

Aynsley: Nineteen who?

Guy From Alabama: Kegs, you know . . .

Aynsley: Cakes of what?

Meredith: Gee Jimmy, that's cool!

Aynsley: Cakes. Cheers. Yeah, anyway.

FZ: What could that possibly mean . . . hmmm, I wonder what happens if

you go like this . . .


Ray: What is it that you're doing with this?

Carl: I'm using the . . .

FZ: You know what I used to do? I used to watch him eat. And while he was

eating, I would talk to him while he was eating, and I would ask him what

he's doing. And he would say, "I'm using the chicken to measure it."

Phyllis: Ok . . .

Don: Can I borrow your comb?

Phyllis: You know what I used to do?

Ray: What are you doing with that?

Phyllis: I used to watch him eat.

Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it.

Phyllis: You know, you know what I used to do? I used to watch him eat.

And while he was eating, I would ask him, "What are you doing?"

FZ: Do it again.

Ray: Why is he using a chicken to measure it?

Phyllis: And he would say, "I'm using the chicken to measure it." What did

he mean by that?

Ray: . . . he's using the chicken to measure it

Phyllis: Till this day I don't know what he's talking about . . .

FZ: Do it again.

Phyllis: That Tishman. That Minnesota Tishman . . . What a guy . . .


Guy From Alabama: Eight inches or less?

Aynsley: Uh . . . eight inches.

Guy From Alabama: Eight inches? Well, I'll get your kind of women, there,


Aynsley: You can? Yes, it's cool . . .

Guy From Alabama: Oh, they got some whores there you wouldn't believe!

Meredith: Gee Jimmy, that's cool!

Guy From Alabama: You can just . . . fall right in.

Aynsley: But do they play pool?


Phyllis: What a guy, what a sense of humour . . . The way he used to . . .

let me get back to that.

FZ: Look at the way he hands that chicken . . .

Aynsley: Do you want another ball?

FZ: He had a way with that chicken . . .

Phyllis: He . . . look at the way he handles that chicken, he had a way . . .

look at the way he holds it, and fondles it, and he put it right near his

privates . . .

Aynsley: But that's cool, still

Guy From Alabama: That's cool, yeah.

Aynsley: That's cool, yeah, I sort of followed the . . .

Guy From Alabama: I'm using the chicken to measure it, though

Aynsley: You were?

Guy From Alabama: Yeah.

Aynsley: Yeah, where's the shit . . . or the white dove?

Guy From Alabama: I'm up to my knees in shit, man.

Aynsley: Really.

Guy From Alabama: There's all kind of shit, now about . . . all smokin' shit . . .


Massimo: And now, we are going to translate: "This is my left hand." Repeat

after me: "Questa e' la mia mano sinistra." And now: "This is my right hand."

Repeat after me: "Questa e' la mia mano destra."

Ray: What is it you're doing?

Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it. Have you ever used a chicken to

measure it?

Meredith: Gee Jimmy, that's cool!

Guy From Alabama: I fucked a chicken . . .


Don: We're coming to the beginning of a new era wherein the development

of the inner self is the most important thing. We have to train ourselves. So

that we can improvise on anything: a bird, a sock, a fuming beaker. This is,

this too can be music. Anything can be music.

FZ: Hello? Yeah, are you busy? Well I was wondering -this is Frank- can

you come, yeah, can you come over here and be in our uh, teen-age

movie? Okay, well, I'll tell you what the action is . . .

Phyllis: He's eating.

FZ: Ok, he's eating, you see . . . Don Preston . . . Well, it depends, mostly

it's a hamburger, sometimes, well he doesn't wanna eat the hamburger,

'cause he's a vegetarian . . . Okay now, Phyllis is here . . . Phyllis . . .

Phyllis: Who's Phyllis?

FZ: No, no, no, Phyllis is the girl that's the, my assistant editor on the,

on the film . . . Yeah, she used to be Tom Wilson's secretary . . . Ok . . .

You remember Tom Wilson were gonna run for President?


Aynsley: You're Tom Wilson?

Carl: Yeah.

Aynsley: Yeah?

Carl: Then she came out here work on the Woodstock festival.

Ray: What are you doing with that chicken?

Carl: And then uh, then . . .

Ray: I was measuring the ball.

Carl: Then Frank hired her to work on the Mothers movie.


Phyllis: Hi, I'm Phyllis Altenhaus, and I'm working with Frank Zappa on his

film Uncle Meat, in Hollywood. I'm a little nervous doing this 'cause it's the

first time I'd even been a star in a film. I originally started working for

Frank as his assistant editor on the film Uncle Meat, and one day we were

sitting around watching the Festival Hall shots, the rushes, and I saw Don

come on the screen -Don Preston plays the monster- and I said, "Frank,

look at Don! He's turning into a monster! I'm gonna vomit!"

FZ: When she sees him turning into a monster she has to vomit.

Phyllis: Frank said, "That's it, that's the opening of the line, that, that, I

mean, that's the opening of the picture." I said, "Frank, I can't be in

your picture, first of all, I have such a bad Brooklyn accent, I'm embarrased

by the whole thing!" And he said, "Don't worry, you'll do it." So, you know,

with Frank, he has a certain way about him, I mean he just gets people to

do these things.

Don: He just makes me sick when he changes into a monster.

Phyllis: Why? Why does he make you sick?

Don: Oh, can't you see it how, how . . . ugly it is that, being that monster?

Oh, just, I can't stand it, I, I think I'm gonna be sick, I have to vomit.

FZ: She just, she tells me she has to vomit, see. She's trying to make me

believe that it makes her sick when he turns into a monster.

Phyllis: There's something about that that gets me so nauseous, I don't

know what it is. Look at that, look at that.

FZ: Yeah, but it's not true. Well, you see, it gets her hot.

Phyllis: There's something so sexy about him. When he comes on that stage,

I get so hot just looking at him drinking that, that smoke stuff, I don't know

what it is. I don't even care if he turns into a monster, I love it . . .

Don: Oh dear!

Phyllis: Look at that, oh him with the cape, but he doesn't, he walks away.

It's such a hot move and he, he's so terrific when he goes back to that gong,

oh, that's so nice . . . Boy, I hope no one ever finds out I love it so much,

that hot monster . . . oh, ooh . . .

Don: You're really good at those dials, baby. You're the most manipulating

person I've ever seen.

Phyllis: I don't like to be called manipulating, that's for sure, but I like to

think of myself as being hot.

FZ: She gets hot. And then she runs into the toilet, and she stands in front of

the mirror and she makes faces to herself so she can turn into a monster.

Isn't it cute? That's right, then, when she does that, and she's having a

fantasy that she's turning into a monster, the monster comes out of the

toilet from behind her.


Phyllis: Oh . . . a little lower, please.

Don: How do you work all those controls in there? That's really fantastic . . .

Phyllis: Oh, it's nothing.

Don: All of those buttons and switches . . .

Phyllis: It's nothing. Look, look what's going on there! Oh . . . oh, wow, this . . .

Don: I just can't see how a girl could do all that.

Phyllis: Oh, now with the, the Women's Liberation Front we can do anything,

you're kidding? Oh . . . oh! It's so good!

Don: This girl obviously has some sort of demented problem in where she,

she likes uh, monsters that drink foamy vile liquid and uh transform. It

must be some uh, connection in her past, in her childhood of something.

Maybe her father didn't demonstrate enough uh, affection for her. It's a . . .

Phyllis: Oh . . . it's been so long . . .

Don: Tell me, did your father demonstrate any affection for you?

Phyllis: I've been watching you on the screen for four weeks . . . Finally,

my monster . . . Is it real? Is it really you? Oh that feels, oh, monster, can

I have a bite off of your apple?

Don: Mm . . . I think that uh . . .

Phyllis: It's so nice to be here with a monster finally . . .

Don: It must be uh, her mother and father probably told her that she's real

ugly and awkward and dumb and everything . . .

Phyllis: It's a good apple, monster.

Don: And so she relates to people that are ugly, dumb and awkward.

Phyllis: Let me take off your hat so I can really see what's happening

underneath there. Just what I thought, a monster head.

Don: You'll find this is quite common in uh, today's society

Phyllis: It's like Adam and Eve and the apple . . . Finally, here's my

monster . . . after all this time . . .

Don: That's why monster movies are so popular, you know?

Phyllis: I'd waited and waited . . .

Don: D'you know how many a monster movie costs to make?

Phyllis: And there he is, he's right here.

Don: Monster movies really cost a lot of money.

Phyllis: Sitting with me, I can't believe it! Is it really you, monster?

Don: And our young society today goes to all these monster movies and

they see them on television night after night.

Phyllis: It's so terrific to be with the monster.

Don: We're raising a new generation of monster lovers.

Phyllis: I've been waiting so long for the monster . . . Maybe this'll be the

real thing.


Don: He's changing into a monster! You should see this! God, I get so hot!

Aynsley: Would you like a quick vibrator? Now you've ruined the whole thing

Carl: Have I? I'll take one down!

Aynsley: Oh, cheers . . .

Carl: I thought you get the walking four balls.

Aynsley: No no . . .

Carl: It's difficult to walk on three.

Don: I'm using the chicken to measure it.

Carl: Don?

Don: I'm using the chicken to measure it.

Aynsley: Charles.

Phyllis: Aynsley Dunbar, who's playing with Frank now, this real English

popstar, very attractive guy, and he's like into a whole groupie thing with

whips and things, don't ask me, and Frank got this great idea, actually he

gets this great idea for me, to have Aynsley in the Hollywood Ranch Market,

which we just did last night, hit him with toilet brushes. It's, it's a little dumb

but I went along with it, you know, what else are you gonna do? You're

getting paid and uh, you do these things.


Phyllis: Cleanser . . . cleanser . . . cleanser . . . cleanser . . . cleanser . . .

Aynsley: Hello, there!

Phyllis: Cleanser . . . cleanser . . .

Aynsley: Say, could you do me a favour? Could you beat me with a toilet


Phyllis: Beat you with a toilet brush?

Aynsley: Shhh . . . someone might hear . . . yes, beat me with a toilet brush.

Phyllis: What's your name?

Aynsley: Ah, hello, my name is Aynsley Dunbar and I, I'm very interested in

whips and canes, etc. I'm gonna fill, fill you in about uh, my background.

FZ: Are you absolutely serious about this? You really like whips and canes?

Aynsley: Oh yeah, yeah.

FZ: And you like-?

Aynsley: I didn't have too much chance to use 'em here, as yet, because it's,

you know the screams and that, would most likely wake the kids up! No,

actually I'm moving on though to toilet brushes and things, 'cause I think

they'll be coming in this year . . . definitely.

Phyllis: You want me to beat you with the toilet brush?

Aynsley: Yes.

Phyllis: I mean like uh, I'm ready!


Phyllis: You know, I'll tell you something, I find myself saying, "I'm ready,"

you know, and like, I slap my face when I'm saying, "I'm ready," because

it's like uh, in the house I'm saying, "I'm ready," you know? And . . . there

has to be a limit.

Phyllis: That's a whip, I guessed right, you know I saw this handle sticking

up here and I like, I, I guessed it right on first, you know? Like I know . . .

FZ: Beat him while you're talking.

Phyllis: You know like . . . I tell you something. I hope it's not getting your

kidney or anything like that.

Aynsley: Oh look, keep, keep, just keep it high, just keep it high.

Phyllis: You know what I mean? I got worried about those things, I got . . .

you know I'm humane, Aquarius and all this . . .

Aynsley: That's great . . . that's. . .

Phyllis: Venus is arising, you know, I'm humane.

Aynsley: Just keep it high. Oh, love it, yeah, right.

Phyllis: Uhm . . . well, let's see . . .

FZ: Ask him, "Does it get you hot?"

Phyllis: Is it getting you hot?

Aynsley: Oh, maybe it would do if I had another 'bout fifteen people.


Don: I know what gets you hot. Hamburgers get you hot, 'cause I picked

you up in the pool hall!

Phyllis: You don't know what gets me hot, you don't have the faintest idea

what gets me hot!

Don: Sure! Hamburgers! Look at this . . .

Phyllis: I can't take it . . .

Don: See that?

Phyllis: I can't take it . . . oh, God, that hamburger!

Don: But you don't know what gets me hot.

Phyllis: I'd bet I know what gets you hot. Sticks, sticks on your body on a

table get you hot.

Don: I'm getting hot! . . . When I was drinking the potion . . . and that hat

and that cape and everything . . . just incredible . . . I'd . . . wonder what

it's like to, to change into a monster . . . it must be really great.

Phyllis: It's just so wonderful. Give me a bite of the apple there . . . Mmm,

oh, my monster! Oh, that's so terr- Oh! I love that, when a monster does

that, mm . . . Well, I've just been thinking, monster, we can take rides in

the country in the Volkswagen . . . and, my monster, you're feeling me up,

my monster.

FZ: It does get you hot.

Phyllis: Well . . . it doesn't get me hot.

FZ: I saw you laying on the floor in the corner with him!

Phyllis: I, it wasn't me laying in the corner! That was, that wasn't me!

FZ: Ha ha . . . Who was it?

Phyllis: That was Sheba! It wasn't me!

FZ: Who is Sheba? Ha ha!

Phyllis: Sheba is the one that's in love with Don.


Don: And why, why do you like monsters?

Phyllis: It's, it's not their looks, it's the intellectual thing that comes across,

you know, you could tell that, I, looks aren't important to me, it's something

about the intelligence. When you mix that potion, you know when I've seen

you mix that potion, I don't know, it's the intellectual way I get hot.

Don: Yeah, but what causes this?

Phyllis: You know what I mean?

Don: I mean, well . . .

Phyllis: It's, it's hotness.


Phyllis: It used to be very, it was really nice and quiet in this place, that's

why I came here, because of the feeling like, like a place to get away from

things, and now what's going on, it's like all noise and . . . I don't know, it

doesn't . . . wherever you go nowadays it's the same thing, all these guys

they're so disgusting, I can't stand it . . .

Don: Look, anybody . . . anybody sitting here?

Phyllis: No! Go right ahead, sit down!

Don: Thanks. Anybody drinking this beer in here?

Phyllis: No, I don't know what the bartender . . . he just left it there, I don't

know what's going on . . .

Don: My name is Biff Debris.

Phyllis: Oh, hi! Sheba Flieschman.

Don: How d'you do?

Phyllis: So and uh, your name is Biff Debris.

Don: Yeah.

Phyllis: You know, funny thing, if we got married my name would be Sheba


Don: My name is Biff Debris, not Debris DeBiff.

Phyllis: Debris?

Don: Yeah.

Phyllis: Biff Debris . . . well, I'll tell you something, I once knew someone

whose name was Dubois. It, it sort of sounds like Debris, you know what

I mean? Like, is that French, or what?

Don: Well, actually I'm part Mohawk and part Norwegian.

Phyllis: Excuse me. Is the hamburger ready yet?

Don: What sign are you?

Phyllis: Uh, I'm Aquarius with Venus rising on my past.

Don: Really?

Phyllis: Yeah. It's really good sign because it's the Aquarian age now, you

know? And like, it's all coming together. You know what I mean by coming


Don: Yeah.

Phyllis: I think since I came from New York, you know, I'm really . . .

Don: Are you from New York?

Phyllis: Yeah, you can't tell! Huh?

Don: No . . .

Phyllis: I tell you something, so it really means that I'm losing my accent,

you know, because the other day I was talking to someone and they couldn't

guess either, well, I asked them, I said to them, "Where do you think I'm

from?" And you know they said, they said, "New Jersey," you know, so,

and New Jersey accent is really completely different, you know? Like, it

depends so, if you come from Patterson, it's different from Trenton and

Orange County, but you know, I say "Orange" like this, "Orange," 'cause

that's in California they say, "Orange," you know?

Don: What's the, what's the matter with uh, Debris?

Phyllis: That's one thing I stayed away from.

Don: Alright, you're free . . .

Phyllis: I think that you can really be high on your own intellectual


Don: Hamburgers.

Phyllis: Don't say hamburgers, it gets me so hot . . .

Don: But you don't know what gets me hot, you see . . .

Phyllis: I know what gets you hot!

Don: No, no . . .

Phyllis: I saw it in the pool hall

Don: You saw that?

Phyllis: Yeah!

Don: That isn't what does it, you see. It really isn't.

Phyllis: Well, well, what is it? You know, like if it's not that, then what is it?

Don: Well . . .

Phyllis: Well, don't be embarrassed! You can tell me, you know?

Like I'm . . .

Don: Showers.

Phyllis: Showers?

Don: Showers.

Phyllis: Well, okay, you know, I can go see that, I can see, I can understand


Don: Not, not nude showers.

Phyllis: What you mean not nude showers?

Don: It's gotta be a special shower, you know.

Phyllis: What kind of shower?

Don: With these special clothes on it.

Phyllis: You mean, you wear clothes when you . . . ?

Don: These clothes! These are the clothes . . .

Phyllis: These are the clothes that you . . . ?

Don: Right here . . .

Phyllis: There are clothes in there for me for the shower?


Phyllis: Say he devised this plan, this is how this clothes and the shower

thing all came by, because I was too embarrassed to stand in the shower.

First roll, you know, I'm not gonna be standing naked but, the whole thing's

taking out, so I figured, "Okay, I'll wear dungarees and a shirt." And, and

anyway to tell you the truth I think it's sexier because, you see like just a

little outline . . . tiny little bit, you know, like, poinnnng!

Phyllis: I don't understand it, but it's like . . .

Don: I mean . . .

Phyllis: It's your trip, man! You know? Like, it's alright with me, you know?

I don't care.

Don: And this children's belt with the little holes in it. Look at those pants!

Phyllis: Ooh, but what has this . . . do with the holes! I mean, you know,

like I hope they fit up.

Don: It'll be good . . .

Phyllis: You know, like, okay, I'll try, I don't care, I'll try anything!


FZ: Hi, Phyllis, why don't you want to take your clothes off with the monster?

Phyllis: Because I'm embarrassed to.

FZ: What's there to be embarrassed about?

Phyllis: Well, I've never done that before, and I don't wanna do it now!

FZ: But why don't you wanna do it?

Phyllis: I'd rather not. There's no reason, I'd just rather not.

FZ: But what's the matter? You got an ugly body?

Phyllis: No, I have a great body. I just don't wanna do it.

FZ: But why don't you wanna do it if you've got a great body? Don't you

wanna share it with the world?

Phyllis: No, I don't wanna share it with the world.

Phyllis: So I did it, and it was, I tell you, I was getting hot, see my shirt?

Phyllis: I'm ready! I got the shirt, I got the pants, and I got the belt with

that little yellow holes, you know? And I'm hot!

Don: And I got the bun and the hamburger and the relish and the orange

and I've got my clothes off and I'm hot!

Phyllis: Oh, come on!

Don: You know how many times we . . . ? I go down to Mr. Pocket three

imes a week, trying to find somebody that'll wear these clothes in the


Phyllis: How do they look on me?

Don: Oh . . .

Phyllis: You like it?

Don: They're great, you know. I had those clothes in the refrigerator for

about two months now.

Phyllis: Where is the hamburger? Just give me a bite, mmh . . . it's so great,

you don't meet guys . . .

Don: Oh, it's disgusting . . .

Phyllis: You don't meet guys who get you off with hamburgers, I'm saying

I'm really happy that mmmm . . .

Don: Oh, the two of us really make a great couple!

Phyllis: I know, me with my clean clothes and the hamburger and everything

like that, well, you know, we can go places.

Don: Yeah.

Phyllis: You want me to wash your hair? While you, just hold the hamburger

first, you know, while I wash your hair . . .

Don: Do you want me to wash it to you?

Phyllis: Well, I don't know, I wasn't planning on it, it's alright, you can wash

my back . . . mm, so nice the shower . . .

Don: I can't bear it.

Phyllis: Especially, especially, especially if you . . .

Don: Some people are really weird.

Phyllis: Pull it on my back, just a little bit, it won't, it won't hurt, just a little

bit over there, this side, it's terrific, with the hamburger.


Phyllis: Hamburger meat . . . Hhhh . . . Oh . . .

FZ: Wouldn't that be better if you had your clothes off then you can uh,

enforce him on your arms?

Phyllis: No, I . . . don't need my clothes off, I can get the gratification that I

want just like this.

Phyllis: Oh, doesn't that feel good, oh, it's so great. I'm so glad that I met

you today . . .

Don: Mmmm . . .

Phyllis: And this hamburger . . .

Don: Do you mind if I rub some of this in your hair?

Phyllis: Oh I don't mind, let me just take out that little thing here, mmm . . .

Don: Oh, boy . . .

Phyllis: A little bit, wait, it's, but I don't know, do you have cream rinse here?

. . . this strip I won't be able to . . .

Don: Cream rinse?

Phyllis: Yeah . . . 'cause I . . .

Don: Eugh!

Phyllis: I won't be, let me see how it feels with the soap.

FZ: Whi-whi-which parts get you the hottest that can be rushed with the


Phyllis: Well I think uh . . . what part!

Don: Oh, I love this with hamburgers under the clothes.


Don: You're getting hot, come on.

Phyllis: Oh, am I hot, over this hamburger! Oh, I think of my uh . . .

Don: For a hundred dollars you're getting hot.

Phyllis: Oh, am I hot! I'm so hot! Hhh . . . I'm so hot from this hamburger,

oh . . .

FZ: Get hot!

Phyllis: I'm so hot!

FZ: Under, under . . . Ha ha ha ha!

Don: Undulate.

FZ: Look!

Don: You . . . it's getting better.

Phyllis: Where's the hamburger? Just . . . those . . .

FZ: Hamburgers with soap are good.

Phyllis: Ha-a . . . let me take a little bite, mmm . . . delicious! Let me put it

in here so I don't loose it. I don't wanna in case I wanna little piece after,

could you do my back?

Don: Oh yeah . . .

Phyllis: Underneath the shirt, don't be bashful, I, oh, I know it makes you

hot, like if you keep . . .

Don: Yeah, I like the shirt better. I'll wash the shirt.

Phyllis: Oh, let me take a little bit of the hamburger

FZ: Ha ha!

Phyllis: You know, the last guy that I was with he just had Ground Choc,

you know what Ground Choc tastes like in the shower, man . . .

FZ: Ha ha ha ha!

Don: Oh . . .

Phyllis: This is odd meat, where did you get this?

FZ: Ha ha ha!

Phyllis: Just like the health food stuff, are you a health food person? You

know, like . . .

Don: No, I am Uncle Meat!

Phyllis: You are Uncle Meat?


Phyllis: And because you're the main man with the burgers . . .

FZ: "And the burger's my trip."

Phyllis: And the burger's my trip and is such a groove, I wanna show my

appreciation and I wanna clean your bathroom . . . the cleanser . . .

FZ: "I am going to the Hollywood Ranch . . . "

Phyllis: I'm going to the Hollywood Ranch Market and I'm gonna buy the


Don: And because you have worn the clothes . . .

Phyllis: Cleanser . . .

Don: That got me hot, the shirt . . .

Phyllis: Cleanser . . .

Don: The pants and the little brown belt, children's belt with the holes in

it . . .

Phyllis: Cleanser . . .

Don: I will . . .

Phyllis: Cleanser . . .

Don: Accept your offer to go to the Hollywood Ranch Market . . .

Phyllis: Cleanser . . .

Don: And get the cleanser and clean my bathroom.


Janet: He's from that group Cleanser. He looks pretty kinky. Too bad we

didn't have our garters on.

Janet & Lucy: EEEEEEEUH!

Janet: Oh, what do you expect from work in this joint.

Lucy: Ooh Janet, he has a vibrator! Now, ooh . . . Eeeuhh! Ha ha ha! Ah . . .

ah . . . aaaaaaAAAAH! Ooh wha . . . ooh! Hhh . . . aaahhh . . .


Don: We're coming to the beginning of a new era at the motel, where we

have been working secretly on a new composition in the back room, in our

secret chambers. 'Cause everything is secret. We're trying to get the secret

karma change for the whole world, you see, like this whole karma thing, it's

really what's causing all the problems, so we have to get a composition and,

I'm sure that it's going to be a hit single, because everyone is going out and

buying our new hit single, for this group that uh . . .

FZ: "You remember our other single 'The Bun'?"

Don: Yeah, you remember our other single, "The Bun"? See, this, this was

our last composition . . .

Aynsley: Plugging it in . . .

Don: And uh, it was pretty hard to play because uh, some of the members

of the group couldn't read music, you see? But we got it all straightened out

and, some of them quit and everything but . . .

Aynsley?: A few holes in the Brothers . . .

Don: Uh, with our new arrangement we really hope to do big things, you

know? Like we hope to change every single person's karma and that in

turn will change and upgrade all the ecology problems, all the polution and

all the air and everything, you know? And this right here is the composition

I was speaking of and uh, this is the guitar part, this is the vocal, this is the

bass part, and this little section over here could be for the dancer, but she

keeps quitting all the time so we don't really know uh, if she's gonna be in it

which she is now or just take it out like that. Now, it's very difficult to

compose this type of thing, because like, the slightest movement that you

can make of one single article could define whether it's underground or real

commercial, see? If we put the sock over here it's more commercial than if

it were over here, then it's real underground, you understand? So we take

you now to the motel, where the group is deep in . . . just deep.


Motorhead: . . . straightest member is the writer, you know what I . . .

Don: Hey, listen you guys, I would like just . . .

Meredith: These guys can work together.

Don: Talk about the arrangement here

Aynsley: How about that new drum solo you just worked out?

Don: I've got a new composition.

Meredith: It's rhythmic, huh?

Motorhead: Now that's beautiful.

Don: Listen . . . Silence, fools! . . . SILENCE, FOOLS! Don't you believe in


Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it.

FZ?: Take that progress and stick it under a rock!

Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it . . . I'm using the chicken to

measure it . . . I'm using the chicken to measure it . . . I'm using the chicken

to measure it . . . I'm using the chicken to measure it . . . I'm using the

chicken to measure it . . . I'm using the chicken to measure it.

FZ: What are you doing with the chicken?

Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it.

FZ: What are you doing with the chicken?

Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it.

Motorhead: Outta site! That's outta site!

Meredith: That's beautiful!

FZ: What are you doing with the chicken?

Carl: I'm using . . .

Don: That's what we need for our new song.

Meredith: That was a good composition!

Motorhead: We got it!

Aynsley: Can you write one like that then?

Don: I did! Well . . .

Ray?: You would? I mean . . .

Don: At last night, that's . . .

Ray: That's when he starts in with the guitar . . . ?

Don: Now look . . .

Ray: Then he comes in with his guitar solo?

Don: You guys, do you see this over here?

Ray: Why does he have this?

Don: Can you see this over here? This is the new composition that we're

going to make a hit single with.

Aynsley: What's it called, "Junk Shuffle"?

Don: No . . .

Ray: "Junkyard."

Aynsley: What's it called?

Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it.

FZ: It's called "We're using the chicken to measure it."

Carl: I'm using the chicken to measure it.

Don: Right, "We're using the chicken to measure it." Well, I couldn't get a

chicken, I, all I got was . . .

Motorhead: That would be the title. Ray's got a chicken.

Aynsley: Yeah!

Motorhead: You can use Ray's chicken to measure it.

Don: But uh . . .

FZ: No, no, that's part of the concept, you're using the chicken to measure

the pitch in?

Aynsley: It's what I choose.

Don: Oh, I see, yeah, are we using the chicken to measure it?

Motorhead: Or drumming?

Don: I'll show you, this is . . .

Ray: How about a sock?

Motorhead: I thought it was cooler.

Don: This is the guitar part, right here.

Motorhead: Then let me see . . .

Aynsley: Pull her.

Motorhead: It's that what I play? That's my part.

Don: That's your part.

Motorhead: Oh, that A . . .

Don: And this is a new concept.

Motorhead: I can't learn that by tomorrow, man, there's no way.

Don: Tonight.

Motorhead: I can't learn it tonight!

Don: Listen, I got the time booked.

Motorhead: I can't even . . .

Aynsley: Tonight? OW!

Don: At the Hollywodd Ranch Market tonight, man!

Meredith: That's pretty heavy, man.

Aynsley: But tonight?!

Meredith: That's pretty heavy . . .

Motorhead: My strings are flat, my pickups are shot, do Herbie wouldn't

give us an advance so I can buy some new strings and an amp?

Don: Listen, I'll take care of everything.


Don: You see, Countess, the problem is uh, it's very hard to talk about but,

the guys need equipment, you know like he needs batteries and uh, and,

and uh, needs strings for his guitar, you know? And, and some of the

electronic equipment needs boosting and uh, we have a good prog and

everything, you know? I just wanted to find out if we could get any awr . . .

nng . . . gnn . . . Do you have a pencil and a paper? Uh huh . . . thanks . . .

Francesca: Royalties?

Don: GNG! MMnnnngrgGGL! Sorry, would you mind not using that word?

It's a . . .

Francesca: Who cares about royalties?

Don: Grrah!

Francesca: Look, I've seen everybody around, The Beatles, The Rolling

Stones, Arthur Brown, and his fire and his head . . . Oh, man, I've never

got so hot as long, I've ever got so hot until I started to, to use the chicken

head to measure it with it.


Guy From Alabama: We must say it in Alabama language, man, I can't


Another "Guy From Alabama": Playing that kind of music and eating meat,

you'll never . . .

Aynsley: I say . . . I say . . .

Guy From Alabama: (unintelligible shouting)

Aynsley: I say, old boy, you speak english?

Guy From Alabama: Hey man, you got any peas or beans or anything like



Don: You have to admit this is different.

Motorhead: Oh I hate . . . that's a drum, that's gotta be a drum.

Don: I mean . . . I know what it's like, to me the idea of being commercial

is doing something different.

Meredith: Bet that one's a heavy one . . .

Carl: The way they feed . . .

Don: You know? Something people can . . . can . . .

Carl: WAH!

Don: It's not the same old thing.

Aynsley: Hey, but that, that isn't a . . .

Meredith: Have to practise . . .

Aynsley: No!

Carl: WAH!

Don: NO!

Motorhead: Look out!

Ray: Oh . . .

Don: That's it, Ray . . .

Motorhead: Chicken's in the . . .

Don: Now, use the chicken to measure it.

Motorhead: Chicken's in the . . .

Aynsley: Biff, man, how does that fit into the part, though . . . heavy like

that . . .

Meredith: And what is after into that my part there?

Don: This is the music.

Meredith: Where? where?

Don: This, the whole thing is the music.

Meredith: Ah, but how does that one fit into all . . .

Aynsley: But there's no head, man.

Meredith: But how does that fit into all that?

Aynsley: Oh yeah, there's . . .

Ray: Are you using a chicken to measure it?

Meredith: What's the concept of this?

Motorhead: There's no way we can play it.

Meredith: What's the concept of this number?

Don: Look, look . . .

Motorhead: Not by tonight, man! It can't be done.

Aynsley: Let me . . . anyway, man, I'm going out tonight, you know, I've

got a few chicks to meet.

Motorhead: I'm going to hear the Fudge.

Don: You guys, if you wanna make a hit single and I mean, a hit single.

Aynsley: Yeah, but all I'm saying is as long as you pay us well, I just don't

wanna know.

Don: Well, you'll get royalties.

Motorhead: You gotta get some royalties, man!

Aynsley: Royalties?

Don: Listen, you can't . . .

Ray: A monster!

Phyllis: I'm wet . . . hamburger . . .

Meredith: This is turning too confusing, I just can't understand what all this

is about, it's so confusing!

Phyllis: My monster!

Don: WARrrGH!

Phyllis: My monster! I'm ready! I got the pants, I got the shirt, I got the belt

with the little yellow holes!


Phyllis: I can't get enough of that stuff, mmm!

FZ: "We're coming to the beginning of a new era, at the motel."

Phyllis: Look at this over there, look . . . mmm mm . . .

Don: We're coming to the beginning of a new era at the motel, we have been

working secretly . . .

Phyllis: Obviusly still, still the best.

Don: . . .on a new composition in the back room . . .

Phyllis: I love when he always did that . . .

Don: . . . in our secret chambers.

Phyllis: Then changed into . . . I remember that . . .

Don: 'Cause everything is secret.

Phyllis: For twelve years he's still working on the same song, I don't know

what I'm gonna do.

Don: We're trying to get the secret karma change for the whole world.

Phyllis: Still kinda get that "The Bun" thing. I gotta stop this, it's not good


Don: You see, like this whole karma thing, it's really what's causing all the


Phyllis: Because after all we've got kids now.

Don: So we have to get a composition.

Phyllis: And we can't, he can't do this anymore, it's another whole life.

Don: And, I'm sure that it's going to be a hit single.

Phyllis: But, I can't help it, I mean he's irresistible. The guy is irresistible.

Don: Because everyone is going out and buying our new hit single, for this

group that uh . . .

Phyllis: Look at that face, over there . . .

FZ: "You remember our other single 'The Bun'?"

Don: Yeah, you rem-

Phyllis: Look at that, right that, right there . . . mmm . . .

Don: Our other single, "The Bun"? See, this, this was our last composition . . .

Phyllis: Oh, God! Oh, I remember that too . . . yeah . . .

Don: And uh, it was pretty hard to play because uh . . .

Phyllis: Look at this, when he did that at the fare . . .

Don: Some of the members of the group couldn't read music, you see?

Phyllis: No . . . it's better, I'll tell you something . . .

Don: But we got it all straightened out.

Phyllis: I don't know, I have to think about this, 'cause I gotta tell him. Ah!

I'll go back! I can't be bother 'cause my mind it's too, it's too crazy, it's

going, it's driving me nuts already, I have to think about work, I have to

think about him, I have to think about . . .

Stumuk: Maybe I oughta face it, after twelve years "The Bun" just isn't a hit.

Maybe I'm approaching it wrong. Look at him, a musician, a natural musician.

This Motorcity was a serious little boy. Liked to pull down the shades before

helping her with the dishes.

Massimo: And that's why it didn't sell. Look at this . . .

Phyllis: Oh, look at that! I remember -let me stop that and see how the fume

was coming out of his mouth, and the way the lips, the lips, so beautiful and

the hamburger . . .

Massimo: Try to do something like that.

Stumuk: Like that?

Massimo: Maledetto figlio di puttana.

FZ: He's on television set.

Massimo: E non cagarmi il cazzo.

Stumuk: A non cacarmil catzo.

Massimo: 'Cause I have a big bunch of minchia!

Stumuk: A big bunch of minchia!

Phyllis: It's great you're learning Italian, I love . . . That's what I want! More,

a little culture, it's enough already with "The Bun"!

Stumuk: I had, I had to change it. It wasn't right.

Massimo: These fucking things didn't work, I don't know why. Maybe, can you

see all these little points, white points, on these fucking things? You have to

know that . . .

Stumuk: Can you see?

Massimo: . . . all this stuff . . .

Stumuk: Everybody's using the chicken to measure it with nowadays, even

my kids!

Massimo: . . . come from my nose, and maybe people didn't like it.

Stumuk: No more the sock . . .

Massimo: And I just don't know why . . .

Stumuk: But "The Bun," the placement of "The Bun." It has seeds. It's


Massimo: I just can't imagine why they didn't like these balls that come

from my nose, you know? This way, tshh! And I spent a lot of years of my

life to do something like that, these fucking things, and it didn't work. What

can I say?

Guy From Alabama: Far fucking out! Far fucking out!

Linda: Hee hee hee hee!

Rodney: Ah! I can dig it!

Guy From Alabama: DONG! DONG! I mean dong, that's what your minchia is!

Aynsley: Your which?

Guy From Alabama: A minchia!

Aynsley: You mean your dick?

Guy From Alabama: You put your minchia in the stinky-a.

Massimo: And you know why? 'Cause I have a big bunch of dick! Tengo una

minchia tanta! And this part of the lesson, I'm sorry, but you can't learn,

'cause Mother Nature didn't make you Italian.

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