Mephisto and Kevin
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Song by Primus<br /><br> In 1986, the University of California Davis, sought two of the <br> all-time brightest stars, <br> Dr. Alphonze Mephesto, and Dr. Arny Abe Sacrabin, <br> Dr. Mephesto worked hard toward his thesis, <br> his goal was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of asparagus, <br> so that all asparagus would grow to the same girth and length, <br> giving asparagus a much more pleasant presentation in the world's <br> supermarket vegetable business. <br> <br> Dr. Abe Sacrabin's goal was to genetically create the greatest musical<br> entertainer the world had ever seen,<br> Dr. Abe Sacrabin knew that if he could assemble the right elements he<br> could theoretically build a DNA structure,<br> that would ensure his creation of talent far surpassing the average<br> individual.<br> At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that Michael<br> Jackson, in a effort to<br> retain his youthful look and feminine vocal characteristics had his<br> testicles surgically removed,<br> thereby making him a modern day Castrato,<br> If such a rumor were true,<br> Michael Jackson more than likely would have some of his semen preserved<br> before the surgery to insure the future of his name and lineage.<br> <br> Word came back to Dr. Abe Sacrabin,<br> of a secret cold storage locker<br> deep within the bowels of a used UCLA research center,<br> that not only contained four containers of frozen semen,<br> but also held a pair of testicles each was labeled with the name, Jack Michaelson.<br> <br> What's that noise, In the night the most sentuaint voice,<br> the song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,<br> and this is what he said,<br> <br> "I am gopher boy, pondering reality,<br> I am gopher boy, Who will buy my raspberries?"<br> <br> This had to be the seed of the king of pop,<br> Dr. Abe Sacrabin was able to use his charm and chiseled great features<br> to woo a young lab technician by the name of Jennifer,<br> who of course just happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a<br> small vile of the precious semen.<br> The search for the egg was a short one,<br> Dr. Mephesto simply ran an ad in the classified section of an LA Music<br> magazine. The ad read: "Wanted: Unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment.<br> Donors must have musical background."<br> With a plethora of young eager wannabe musical stardoms, willing to sell their eggs,<br> the two doctors, after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased.<br> Dr. Abe Sacrabin felt that it would be far less complicated legally,<br> if the fetus was brought to term in the womb of a non human.<br> He had long since secured the services of the University Volleyball<br> Mascot,<br> a llama by the name of Missy.<br> When the baby was ready,<br> the child was removed via cesarean.<br> It was a healthy baby boy, and he was named Kevin.<br> <br> What's that noise, In the night the most sentuaint voice,<br> the song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,<br> and this is what he said,<br> <br> "I am gopher boy, pondering reality,<br> I am gopher boy, Who will buy my raspberries?"<br> <br> Kevin was a beautiful child,<br> Dr. Abe Sacrabin sought to it that Kevin was trained by the best in all<br> aspects of performing, his voice was golden and had a sweetness to it that most males lacked.<br> He moved with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was three.<br> As Kevin grew with talent, Dr. Abe Sacrabin started noticing odd<br> developments in his physical state.<br> When Kevin lost his baby teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengeance,<br> they were at least twice the size as a normal adult's and the two in<br> front stuck nearly straight out, also as Kevin reached the 8th year,<br> he was the same height as he was when he was 4.<br> To top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous,<br> even by adult standards.<br> It also dawned on the doctor that even through all the years of hearing Kevin's singing,<br> he rarely spoke, often chosing to communicate through various grunts and gurgles<br> <br> What's that noise, In the night the most sentuaint voice,<br> the song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,<br> and this is what he said,<br> <br> "I am gopher boy, pondering reality,<br> I am Gopher Boy, who will buy my raspberries?"<br> <br> Other's were noticing the changes in Kevin,<br> the children began to tease him, and call him "Gopher Boy".<br> One Day, a bully by the name of Big Roy, started throwing bananas at him,<br> soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas.<br> Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy and bit 3 fingers off on his left hand.<br> Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state,<br> Dr. Abe Sacrabin actions were found out,<br> but because there was no legislation concerning the genetic construction<br> of another human being,<br> no criminal charges were brought forth.<br> The medical association's board of ethics stripped him of all his<br> credentials and his reputation was ruined,<br> in fact, his name became so synonymous with failure,<br> that for years to come, med students around the world were known to say<br> in time of mishap,<br> <br> "Damn, I feel just like Abe Sacrabin."<br> <br> Dr. Mephesto immediately began proceeds to adopt little Kevin.<br> Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned asparagus,<br> it wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son.<br> <br> They moved to Colorado, where they live in relative obscurity.<br> Kevin is still a boy, of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles,<br> but on occasion, if you listen closely, you can hear his sweet golden<br> singing voice, ring out into the night, over the small town, of South Park.<br> <br> "I am gopher boy pondering reality,<br> I am Gopher Boy, who will buy my raspberries?"<br> <br>
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