Song by Primus<br /><br>
In 1986, the University of California Davis, sought two of the <br>
all-time brightest stars, <br>
Dr. Alphonze Mephesto, and Dr. Arny Abe Sacrabin, <br>
Dr. Mephesto worked hard toward his thesis, <br>
his goal was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of asparagus, <br>
so that all asparagus would grow to the same girth and length, <br>
giving asparagus a much more pleasant presentation in the world's <br>
supermarket vegetable business. <br>
<br>
Dr. Abe Sacrabin's goal was to genetically create the greatest musical<br>
entertainer the world had ever seen,<br>
Dr. Abe Sacrabin knew that if he could assemble the right elements he<br>
could theoretically build a DNA structure,<br>
that would ensure his creation of talent far surpassing the average<br>
individual.<br>
At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that Michael<br>
Jackson, in a effort to<br>
retain his youthful look and feminine vocal characteristics had his<br>
testicles surgically removed,<br>
thereby making him a modern day Castrato,<br>
If such a rumor were true,<br>
Michael Jackson more than likely would have some of his semen preserved<br>
before the surgery to insure the future of his name and lineage.<br>
<br>
Word came back to Dr. Abe Sacrabin,<br>
of a secret cold storage locker<br>
deep within the bowels of a used UCLA research center,<br>
that not only contained four containers of frozen semen,<br>
but also held a pair of testicles each was labeled with the name, Jack Michaelson.<br>
<br>
What's that noise, In the night the most sentuaint voice,<br>
the song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,<br>
and this is what he said,<br>
<br>
"I am gopher boy, pondering reality,<br>
I am gopher boy, Who will buy my raspberries?"<br>
<br>
This had to be the seed of the king of pop,<br>
Dr. Abe Sacrabin was able to use his charm and chiseled great features<br>
to woo a young lab technician by the name of Jennifer,<br>
who of course just happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a<br>
small vile of the precious semen.<br>
The search for the egg was a short one,<br>
Dr. Mephesto simply ran an ad in the classified section of an LA Music<br>
magazine. The ad read: "Wanted: Unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment.<br>
Donors must have musical background."<br>
With a plethora of young eager wannabe musical stardoms, willing to sell their eggs,<br>
the two doctors, after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased.<br>
Dr. Abe Sacrabin felt that it would be far less complicated legally,<br>
if the fetus was brought to term in the womb of a non human.<br>
He had long since secured the services of the University Volleyball<br>
Mascot,<br>
a llama by the name of Missy.<br>
When the baby was ready,<br>
the child was removed via cesarean.<br>
It was a healthy baby boy, and he was named Kevin.<br>
<br>
What's that noise, In the night the most sentuaint voice,<br>
the song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,<br>
and this is what he said,<br>
<br>
"I am gopher boy, pondering reality,<br>
I am gopher boy, Who will buy my raspberries?"<br>
<br>
Kevin was a beautiful child,<br>
Dr. Abe Sacrabin sought to it that Kevin was trained by the best in all<br>
aspects of performing, his voice was golden and had a sweetness to it that most males lacked.<br>
He moved with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was three.<br>
As Kevin grew with talent, Dr. Abe Sacrabin started noticing odd<br>
developments in his physical state.<br>
When Kevin lost his baby teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengeance,<br>
they were at least twice the size as a normal adult's and the two in<br>
front stuck nearly straight out, also as Kevin reached the 8th year,<br>
he was the same height as he was when he was 4.<br>
To top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous,<br>
even by adult standards.<br>
It also dawned on the doctor that even through all the years of hearing Kevin's singing,<br>
he rarely spoke, often chosing to communicate through various grunts and gurgles<br>
<br>
What's that noise, In the night the most sentuaint voice,<br>
the song of love from an angelic boy, stuck in my head,<br>
and this is what he said,<br>
<br>
"I am gopher boy, pondering reality,<br>
I am Gopher Boy, who will buy my raspberries?"<br>
<br>
Other's were noticing the changes in Kevin,<br>
the children began to tease him, and call him "Gopher Boy".<br>
One Day, a bully by the name of Big Roy, started throwing bananas at him,<br>
soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas.<br>
Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy and bit 3 fingers off on his left hand.<br>
Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state,<br>
Dr. Abe Sacrabin actions were found out,<br>
but because there was no legislation concerning the genetic construction<br>
of another human being,<br>
no criminal charges were brought forth.<br>
The medical association's board of ethics stripped him of all his<br>
credentials and his reputation was ruined,<br>
in fact, his name became so synonymous with failure,<br>
that for years to come, med students around the world were known to say<br>
in time of mishap,<br>
<br>
"Damn, I feel just like Abe Sacrabin."<br>
<br>
Dr. Mephesto immediately began proceeds to adopt little Kevin.<br>
Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned asparagus,<br>
it wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son.<br>
<br>
They moved to Colorado, where they live in relative obscurity.<br>
Kevin is still a boy, of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles,<br>
but on occasion, if you listen closely, you can hear his sweet golden<br>
singing voice, ring out into the night, over the small town, of South Park.<br>
<br>
"I am gopher boy pondering reality,<br>
I am Gopher Boy, who will buy my raspberries?"<br>
 <br>