SCROOGE: Bah, humbug, everybody.<br>
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CHORUS: Good morning, Mr. Scrooge!<br>
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SCROOGE: Well, the meeting will come to order, if you please. Are all the advertising people represented here?<br>
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CHORUS: Everyone except Amalgamated Cheese!<br>
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SCROOGE: Well, if they're not here for the Christmas pitch, I can't help them find new ways of tying their product in to Christmas. That's why I'm chairman of this board! Let's hear it for me!<br>
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CHORUS: Hear, hear!<br>
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SCROOGE: All right, Abercrombie, what are your people up to?<br>
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ABERCROMBIE: Ahhh, same thing as every year. Fifty thousand billboards showing Santa Claus pausing to refresh himself with our product.<br>
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SCROOGE: Mmmmm, hmmm, well, I think the public has come to expect that and...<br>
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ABERCROMBIE: That's right. It's become tradition!<br>
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SCROOGE: You there, Crass, uhh, I suppose your company's running the usual magazine ads showing cartons of your cigarettes peeking out of the top of Santa's sack?<br>
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CRASS: Better than that! This year we have him smoking one.<br>
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SCROOGE: Um-hmmm...<br>
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CRASS: Yes. We've got Santa a little more rugged, too. Both sleeves rolled up and a tattoo on each arm. One of 'em says "Merry Christmas."<br>
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SCROOGE: What does the other one say?<br>
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CRASS: "Less tar!"<br>
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SCROOGE: Great stuff!<br>
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CRATCHET: But Mr.Scrooge...<br>
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SCROOGE: What? Who are you?<br>
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CRATCHET: Bob Cratchet, sir. I've got a little spice company over in East Orange, New Jersey. Do I have to tie my product in to Christmas?<br>
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SCROOGE: What do you mean?<br>
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CRATCHET: Well, I was just going to send cards out showing the three wise men following the Star of Bethlehem...<br>
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SCROOGE: I get it! And they're bearing your spices. Now that's perfect.<br>
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CRATCHET: No, no... no product in it. I was just going to say, "Peace on Earth... Good Will Toward Men."<br>
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MAN: Well, that's a peculiar slogan!<br>
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SCROOGE: Old hat, Cratchet! That went out with button shoes! You're a businessman... Christmas is something to take advantage of!<br>
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SCROOGE: A red and green bandwagon to jump on!<br>
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SCROOGE: A sentimental shot in the arm for sales! Listen!<br>
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CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising,<br>
Fa la la la la la la la la.<br>
While you can be enterprising,<br>
Fa la la la la la la la la.<br>
On the fourth day of Christmas,<br>
My true love gave to me<br>
Four bars of soap,<br>
Three cans of peas,<br>
Two breakfast foods,<br>
And some toothpaste on a pear tree!<br>
On the fifth day of Christmas,<br>
My true love gave to me...<br>
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SCROOGE: Five tube-less tires!<br>
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CHORUS: Fo-ur quarts of gin,<br>
Three ci-gars,<br>
Two cig-ar-ettes,<br>
And some hair tonic on a pear tree!<br>
Chest-nuts roasting...<br>
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ANNOUNCER: Sayyyy, Mother, as sure as there's an X in Christmas, you can be sure those are Tiny Tim Chestnuts roasting. Tin-y Tim Chestnuts are frill-bodied... longer lasting! This visible shell protects the nut! Now with X-K 29 added, for people who can't roast after every meal.<br>
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GIRL TRIO: Tin-ee Tim! Tin-ee Tim! Chest-nuts all the way!<br>
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ANNOUNCER: Tin-y Tim's roast hot... like a chestnut ought! And... they are<br>
(ECHO) mild, mild, mild, mild.<br>
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CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising,<br>
Fa la la la la la la la la.<br>
'Tis the time for merchandising,<br>
Fa la la la la la la la la.<br>
Profit never needs a reason,<br>
Fa la la la la la la la la.<br>
Get the money, it's the season,<br>
Fa la la la la la la la la.<br>
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SCROOGE: Words to live by, Cratchet!<br>
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CRATCHET: For you, maybe. Can't you just wish someone merry Christmas, for the pure joy of doing it?<br>
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SCROOGE: Why? What's the percentage in that? Let me show you how to make Christmas work for you!<br>
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CHORUS: We wish you a merry Christmas,<br>
We wish you a merry Christmas,<br>
We wish you a merry Christmas,<br>
And please buy our beer!<br>
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SCROOGE: There you go, Cratchet! That's Christmas with a purpose.<br>
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CRATCHET: I know, but wait a minute. Don't you guys make enough profit the other eleven months? Christmas comes but once a year.<br>
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SCROOGE: Humph! Funny thing you should bring that up. That's exactly the point I was about to make. Hit it, boys!<br>
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SCROOGE: Christmas comes but once a year,<br>
So you better make hay while the snow is falling,<br>
That's opportunity calling you!<br>
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CHORUS: Rub your hands, December's here,<br>
What a wonderful time to be Glad and merry!<br>
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SCROOGE: Just so you're mercenary too!<br>
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CHORUS: Buy an ad and show all the toys,<br>
Show all the toys up on the shelf<br>
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SCROOGE: Just make sure that you get a plug,<br>
You get a plug, In for yourself!<br>
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SCROOGE AND CHORUS:<br>
Christmas comes but once a year,<br>
So you better cash in,<br>
While the spirit lingers,<br>
It's slipping through your fingers,<br>
Boy! Don't you realize<br>
Christmas can be such a<br>
Monetary joy!<br>
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CRATCHET: Well, I guess you fellows will never change.<br>
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SCROOGE: Why should we? Christmas has two s's in it, and they're both dollar signs.<br>
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CRATCHET: Yeah, but they weren't there to begin with.<br>
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SCROOGE: Eh?<br>
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CRATCHET: The people keep hoping you'll remember. But you never do.<br>
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SCROOGE: Remember what?<br>
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CRATCHET: Whose birthday we're celebrating.<br>
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SCROOGE: Well,... don't get me wrong. The story of Christmas, in it's simplicity, is a good thing - I'll buy that. It's just that we know a good thing when we see it.<br>
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CRATCHET: But don't you realize Christmas has a significance, a meaning.<br>
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SCROOGE: A sales curve! Wake up, Cratchet, it's later than you think.<br>
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CRATCHET: I know, Mr. Scrooge, I know.<br>
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CHORUS: On the first day of Christmas,<br>
The advertising's there, with<br>
Newspaper ads,<br>
Billboards too,<br>
Business Christmas cards,<br>
And commercials on a pear tree...<br>
Jingles here, jingles there,<br>
Jingles all the way.<br>
Dashing through the snow,<br>
In a fifty-foot coup-e<br>
O'er the fields we go,<br>
Selling all the way...<br>
Deck the halls with advertising,<br>
What's the use of compromising,<br>
Fa la la la la la la la la.<br>
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