Stan Freberg - Old Payola Roll Blues lyrics
rate me{spoken by record producer}<br />
Alright, we got the tenor sax, vocal group, <br />
Piano, drums and guitar.<br />
We're all set to make a hit rock & roll record.<br />
Now let's hear it.<br />
{band starts to play poorly}<br />
BS) Hold it. Hold it! Something's missing.<br />
RE) A teenage idol man, You don't have a teenage idol.<br />
BS) Oh yeah, yeah wait here I'll get one.<br />
{sound of footsteps leaving studio - door opens - closes -<br />
More footsteps - door opens onto street }<br />
BS) Hey kid! <br />
CA) Who me?<br />
BS) Yeah, Can you sing?<br />
CA) No.<br />
BS) Good. Come with me.<br />
{sound of door closing - footsteps - studio door opening -<br />
Door closes - more footsteps}<br />
BS) Say where were you going just now?<br />
CA) I was on my way to high school.<br />
BS) Perfect. Now you stand up there in front of that<br />
Microphone and say 'high school' when I point at ya.<br />
Kid you're gonna be a big record star! <br />
CA) Oo-Oo<br />
BS) Hey that's good too, throw that in. Now here we go.<br />
<br />
{music starts}<br />
High school-oo-oo<br />
High school-oo-oo<br />
High school<br />
High school<br />
High school<br />
Oo-oo<br />
<br />
BS) Hey wait a minute. What did you put that on the end for?<br />
CA) Well it was just a little, you know, embellishment.<br />
BS) Oh yeah, You keep that up and the first thing you know<br />
This record'll swing. And then were will we be?<br />
CA) yeah<br />
BS) Okay you guys, that's the first side.<br />
CA) Isn't that a kinda short song?<br />
BS) Yeah, it gets more plays that way.<br />
CA) Oh I see... <br />
BS) Oh by the way, What's your name?<br />
CA) Clyde Ankle<br />
BS) Perfect! <br />
CA) But I can't sing.<br />
BS) What's that got to do with anything?<br />
You got all the requirements. A pretty face and a pompadour.<br />
CA) Well do I get to pose beside a tiger?<br />
BS) Nah that's been done. Maybe we'll get you a moose.<br />
CA) Well maybe now I can have my adnoids taken out.<br />
BS) What, and ruin your amature standing?<br />
CA) Well could you at least get me a date with that Mouseketeer<br />
That's grown up.<br />
BS) Alright, we'll see.<br />
CA) Oh boy! <br />
BS) Ah now, you're gonna go three nights a week<br />
For finger snapping lessons.<br />
CA) Oo I've wanted to do that for as long as I've<br />
Been in show biz.<br />
BS) Hey wait a second. How long have you been in show biz?<br />
CA) About a minute and a half.<br />
BS) Oh. Now let's see if you can act humble in front of the press.<br />
CA) Okay. Oh I'll never replace Elvis... <br />
BS) All right<br />
CA) He's the king... <br />
BS) All right, All right all ready! Don't over do it.<br />
CA) Hey how can we be sure the girls are gonna scream at me?<br />
BS) Ah don't worry, will ya kid, I got a screaming machine right here.<br />
CA) Yeah?<br />
BS) It replaces a teenage audiance. We put it in the back of the<br />
Auditorium, push the button, panicsville. Here listen.<br />
{sound of girls screaming}<br />
BS) Will you get out of that drummer's lap.<br />
{sound of drum thump - drum stick falls on floor}<br />
D) Wow! Bent my cymbal man.<br />
BS) Now here's some variations.<br />
{sounds of different screaming crouds - ending with Nazi 'Sig Hiel'}<br />
BS) Whoops, Wrong croud.<br />
Well let's do the other side of the record.<br />
I'll turn on the machine here and there.<br />
CA) Uh-huh.<br />
BS) Yeah so you can, you know, get conditioned to it.<br />
CA) Yeah okay.<br />
<br />
CA) What am I gonna use for words on this side?<br />
BS) Who cares. Say the first thing that comes into your head.<br />
CA) Okay. What are you gonna do with that sharp stick?<br />
BS) Oh never mind what I'm gonna do with it. Just sing will ya.<br />
Here we go.<br />
<br />
{music starts}<br />
Well I was on my way to high school<br />
When a guyyyyyyyyy came through the door. Woo.<br />
And he said he was gonna make me a bigggggggg<br />
Record star. {girls screaming}<br />
I said I can't sing. Woo. He said it doesn't matter. Woo.<br />
He said you got a pretty face and a pommmmpadour.<br />
{girls screaming} {Don't ya fool with that stick man! }<br />
Aaaaaahh<br />
Don't need anything<br />
But a pretty face. mm Woo<br />
And long black hair to toss. Ooo<br />
With the possssssible exception of Blue Cross. Ooo<br />
{girls screaming - song ends}<br />
<br />
BS) Oh perfect. Stick with me kid.<br />
Clyde Ankle is gonna jump up the charts.<br />
CA) He is if you keep on with that stick man.<br />
BS) All right... <br />
CA) well... You really think you can get any disc jockeys<br />
To play my songs?<br />
BS) It's getting tougher, but I'm on my way to see one right now.<br />
CA) Oh boy.<br />
BS) Right after I stop off at the bank.<br />
CA) Ha the old payola roll blues huh?<br />
BS) What kind of a crack is that?<br />
That's an insult to my integrity.<br />
<br />
{music: smooth jazz}<br />
DJ) Your name is what?<br />
BS) Barney Schlock, I got this little record company.<br />
DJ) Uh-huh.<br />
BS) Obscurity Records.<br />
DJ) It would be yeah.<br />
BS) Look I know the probe is on, but I got a record here<br />
That's got to happen. High School Oo Oo by Clyde Ankle<br />
How's about it baby, You wanna jump on it?<br />
DJ) Crazy, lay it on the floor.<br />
BS) Lay it on the floor... ha ha... hey that's pretty good, I got<br />
To remember that... ha ha ha<br />
Ah shall we say fifty clams a week to ride it?<br />
Huh? I mean really ride it.<br />
DJ) Man I wouldn't ride something called High School Oo Oo<br />
If it had a vicuna saddle.<br />
BS) yeah but.<br />
DJ) You got the wrong disc jockey and the wrong station Clyde.<br />
BS) Barney. Look if it gets in the Top 40 you'll have to play it.<br />
DJ) Yeah? I'll play that jazz the day Ella sings the Fats Domino<br />
Song book.<br />
BS) Well I'd like to get your opinion... <br />
DJ) No... <br />
BS) See what you think of it.<br />
DJ) No man... <br />
BS) Let's just listen to a little of it.<br />
DJ) Don't let it touch my turntable man... <br />
BS) Wait a minute... <br />
DJ) I just had Shearing on there man... <br />
BS) Look it will only take a few seconds, listen.<br />
{jazz stops abruptly - High School Oo Oo starts}<br />
{DJ scratches needle accross record to stop it}<br />
BS) Ah you didn't hear enough of it.<br />
DJ) Too much, I heard too much! <br />
{jazz music again}<br />
BS) All right you'll see.The kids will eat it up.<br />
They think that's good singin'.<br />
DJ) Is it?<br />
BS) Oh not really baby, but don't tell the kids I said so huh.<br />
(Ha ha ha) Us little rock & roll lables got a good thing goin'.<br />
We pay off a few guys in the key cities here, <br />
Rig a few charts there, bingo a new hit parade.<br />
And that's how rock & roll was born. (ha ha ha)<br />
DJ) Yeah I'm hip<br />
BS) Look kid, If you don't want bread, what do you need?<br />
A little dental work, a trip to Vegas?<br />
DJ) Forget it! <br />
BS) Pre 1959 cranberries?<br />
DJ) You're all heart Barney.<br />
BS) Heart?<br />
DJ) That thing right behind your shoulder holster.<br />
BS) Huh? Oh, Oh yeah... <br />
So ah, you don't wanna give High School Oo Oo a ride then huh?<br />
DJ) Only on a rail<br />
BS) Ah listen kid, payola's the only way a little record artist<br />
Can get off the ground.<br />
DJ) Yeah? Did you ever hear of talent?<br />
BS) No. Who does he record for?<br />
DJ) Look, nothing really good ever had to pay to get played, <br />
Only junk. The majority of disc jockeys never played ball with<br />
You at any price. But that's all over now. You've been benched.<br />
BS) I have?<br />
DJ) And not a moment too soon. If your game had gone on<br />
Much longer, the kids would have forgotten what music<br />
Sounded like.<br />
BS) I've almost forgotten myself.<br />
DJ) Not me. Can I show you to the door?<br />
BS) No, I'll just slide out under it.<br />
DJ) That figures.<br />
BS) Don't worry, I'll be glad to get out of the music business... <br />
DJ) You know what? You were never in it.<br />
{music stops}<br />
<br />
B) Stanley.<br />
DJ) Yeah Billy.<br />
B) Has he gone?<br />
DJ) Yeah.<br />
B) I thought he'd never leave like.<br />
DJ) Didn't we all. Here, you want a copy of High School Oo Oo?<br />
B) Crazy. I'll have it melted down in to a little vinylite statue<br />
Of Conway Twitty.<br />
DJ) Why not. You ready Judd?<br />
J) Yeah.<br />
DJ) Okay hit it Billy.<br />
<br />
{big band song}<br />
Goodbye Goodbye<br />
Goodbye Obscurity Records<br />
Goodbye Goodbye<br />
Goodbye you overnight one shot<br />
Hello music Hello swing<br />
Hello jazz you beautiful thing<br />
Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello<br />
(La la la la la){bomb falling - explosion}<br />
(What ya gonna do when the...){machine gun}<br />
So long So long<br />
So long you nasal obstruction<br />
{ukalale}(He he he he){gun shot & ricochet}<br />
You had your day<br />
But paved your way to destruction<br />
(Short fat Mabel, Said she wasn't able.<br />
I told you listen mama, Don't you...){machine gun}<br />
So long music parasite<br />
So long tin pan amateur night<br />
Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye<br />
<br />
Hello music<br />
Hello swing<br />
Hello jazz<br />
You beautiful thing<br />
Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello<br />
To you<br />
Hello Hello
