Robert Lund - Shakespearean Pie lyrics

rate me

A long, long time ago

I can still remember

How, alas, poor Yorick's jokes drew groans

He'd dance and sing and kiss my hand

Like Elsinore was Neverland

But then he went and joined the Skull and Bones

And now, Horatio, I get shivers

With every line the ghost delivers

All the Globe has been dark

'Cause something rots in Denmark

I can't recall a thing as weird

As when dear old Daddy reappeared

To say that he'd been poison-eared

The day King Hamlet died

So:

To be or to choose not to be?

That's the question I'm digestin' in my soliloquy

And when fortune aims it's slings and arrows at me

Tell me how I'm gonna live through Act III?

Answer, please, iambically

Did you like Shakespeare in Love?

And did you rewind for scansion of

Gwyneth with her wardrobe gone?

Now, do you believe in English Lit?

Is brevity the soul of wit?

If so, then why's this bloody play so long?

Well, I know this role has real cachet

For each Branagh and Olivier

Mel Gibson draws blood nice

Man, I dig that Passion of Christ!

I was a young, great Dane in British schools

With my pet Ophelia and a dad who rules

But I knew we'd been played for fools

The day King Hamlet died

So here's the question:

To be or choose rather to be

Suicidal or to idle apathetically,

Or is volition all it's cracked up to be

If "to die, to sleep, to dream" is lovely?

(Please explain the question to me)

Less than two months since the obit ran

And Lord knows, frailty, thy name's wo-man:

My dumbass uncle wears Dad's ring

So I set the stage for a royal sting

What a script! I thought, The play's the thing

Where I'll catch the conscience of the king

Oh, and while the king enjoyed the show

The players showed him whack his bro

The king stomped off and cried

O.J. yelled Homicide!

So Let's Make a Deal, Queen Mother, who

Is behind curtain number two?

How now, a rat? I sliced him through

The day Polonius died

I was thinking:

To be or to go with Plan B?

Is it nobler just to soldier on Shakespeareanly

Or fly off to the undiscovered country?

Thus my conscience makes a coward of me

Get me to a fun nunnery

Hanky panky? Nope, Ophelia's cranky

Could she be ticked that I nailed that Yankee?

Maybe 'cause I knifed her dad?

She shouted Foul! in her wrath

You'll never tread on my primrose path!

(Guess my joke 'bout "country matters" made her mad)

Now, the nymph went nutso north-northwest

Went and took a swim completely dressed

She sank just like a ship

So here's the moral: skinny-dip!

Poor Laertes missed his tour de France

But, merde, this ain't no cheap romance

(Ask Guildenstern and Rosencrantz)

The day Ophelia died

I kept on thinking:

To be or to other-than-be?

That's the question! Screw depression! Death sounds

Painless to me

This too too solid flesh should melt melt like brie

And resolve into a fondue for me

Serve it with some crumpets and tea

Oh, and there we were all in one place

Equipped with poison, swords, and Mace

With Fortune there to shape our ends

So come on - fence me nimble, fence me quick

Don't tase me, bro, with your tainted prick

Or bet your royal ass we're foiled again

So Laertes and I both got poked

Mom drank some Chinese lead-based Coke

The king was S.O.L.

Thus ends his sworded tale:

I said, My name ees Hamlet Junior, guy

You keeled my dad; prepare to die

(Yes, I stole that from The Princess Bride)

The day King Claudius died

Here's the question:

To be or choose alternately?

That's the question I'm processin' in Scene I of Act

III

To end these shocks or bear them heart-achingly,

Quoting Sonnet Number 73?

(That one's too depressing for me)

I met a girl named Juliet

And her boyfriend, whose name I forget

(What's in a name, man, anyway?)

I led Othello to his death

And made life a bitch for King Macbeth

Till the Bard said, Dude, you're in a different play

So meanwhile back at Elsinore

A bunch of guys come to mop the floor

It's Fortinbras's legions

I guess we're now Norwegians

And the three co-stars I riled most:

Laertes, Mom, and King Claudi-os

Went off to hang with Daddy's ghost

The day Prince Hamlet died

I see dead people...

To be or choose oppositely?

Are we tougher if we suffer indefatigably

Or take up arms against a turbulent sea

Of the troubles fortune's slinging at me?

Screw it - let's go watch some TV

We were thinking:

To be or to not freaking be

That's the question we're obsessin' 'bout interminably

But as for us, the answer's clear: Not to be

Caught in this Shakespearean tragedy!

Good-night, sweet prince.

I'm not quite dead...