Monty Python

Monty Python - String

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Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr...Simpson. Aaah,

welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature,

Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and

Prang!

Mr. Simpson: Thank you.

Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian

Wapcaplet...

Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do.

Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson...

French, is it?

Mr. Simpson: No.

Wapcaplet: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to

advertise your washing powder.

Mr. Simpson: String.

Wapcaplet: String, washing powder, what's the

difference. We can sell anything.

Mr. Simpson: Good. Well I have this large quantity of

string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand miles of it

to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I

advertised it--

Wapcaplet: Of course! A national campaign. Useful

stuff, string, no trouble there.

Mr. Simpson: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to

bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles

is in three inch lengths. So it's not very useful.

Wapcaplet: Well, that's our selling point! "SIMPSON'S

INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"

Mr. Simpson: What?

Wapcaplet: "THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE,

SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES - JUST THE

RIGHT LENGTH!"

Mr. Simpson: For what?

Wapcaplet: Uhmm... "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!"

Mr. Simpson: Such as?

Wapcaplet: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels,

attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh, destroying

household pests...

Mr. Simpson: Destroying household pests?! How?

Wapcaplet: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you

can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller than,

you flog them to death with it!

Mr. Simpson: Well surely!...

Wapcaplet: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN

HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED, RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-

HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR

STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN

HOSPITALS!"

Mr. Simpson: 'Ospitals!?!

Wapcaplet: Have you ever in a Hospital where they

didn't have string?

Mr. Simpson: No, but it's only string!

Wapcaplet: ONLY STRING?! It's everything! It's...it's

waterproof!

Mr. Simpson: No it isn't!

Wapcaplet: All right, it's water resistant then!

Mr. Simpson: It isn't!

Wapcaplet: All right, it's water absorbent!

It's...Super Absorbent String! "ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH

SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX STRINGETTES!

AWAY WITH FLOODS!"

Mr. Simpson: You just said it was waterproof!

Wapcaplet: "AWAY WITH THE DULL DRUDGERY OF WORKADAY

TIDAL WAVES! USE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL FLOOD

PREVENTERS!"

Mr. Simpson: You're mad!

Wapcaplet: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex,

must get sex into it. Wait, I see a television

commercial- There's this nude woman in a bath holding a

bit of your string. That's great, great, but we need a

doctor, got to have a medical opinion. There's a nude

woman in a bath with a doctor--that's too sexy. Put an

archbishop there watching them, that'll take the curse

off it. Now, we need children and animals. There's two

kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the

archbishop who's blessing the string.

Uhh...international flavor's missing...make the

archbishop Greek Orthodox. Why not Archbishop Macarios?

No, no, he's dead... nevermind, we'll get his brother,

it'll be cheaper... So, there's Archbishop Macarios...

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