Monty Python

Monty Python - Election Special

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Linkman: Hello, good evening and welcome to Election

Night Special. There's tremendous excitement here at

the moment and we should be getting the first results

through any moment now. We're not sure where it will be

from, it might be Leicester or from West Byfleet, the

polling's been quite heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm just

getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in my

left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on

it). And now let's go straight over to Leicester.

Norman: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and

we're expecting the result any moment now. There with

the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible

candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the

silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.

Officer: Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J.

Smith...

Linkman: (Sensible Party)

Officer: ...30,612. (applause)

Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot

Walrustitty...

Linkman: (Silly Party)

Officer: ...33,108. (applause)

Linkman: Well there we have the first result of the

election and the Silly party has held Leicester.

Norman.

Norman: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that

the Silly party won. Er, I think this is largely due to

the number of votes cast. Gerald.

Gerald: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly

Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.

Norman: I think one should point out that in this

constituency since the last election a lot of very

silly people have moved into new housing estates with

the result that a lot of sensible voters have moved

further down the road the other side of number er, 29.

Linkman: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?

Colin: Can I just say that this is the first time I've

been on television?

Linkman: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just

going straight over to Luton.

Gerald: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered

contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones

(Sensible Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-lim-bim-bim-

bim-bim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel (Silly

Party), and Kevin Phillips-Bong, who is running on the

Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.

Woman: Alan Jones...

Linkman: (Sensible)

Woman: ...9,112.

Kevin Phillips-Bong...

Linkman: (Slightly Silly)

Woman: Nought.

Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lin-bim-bus-stop-

F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel...

Linkman: (Silly)

Woman: 12,441. (applause)

Linkman: Well there you have it, the first result of

the election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.

Norman: Well this is a very significant result. Luton,

normally a very sensible constituency with a high

proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone

completely ga-ga.

Linkman: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has

with him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.

James: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?

Tarquin: Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly

noises including a goat bleating).

Linkman: And do we have the swing at Luton?

Gerald: Er... no.

(pause)

Linkman: Right, well I can't add anything to that.

Colin?

Colin: Can I just say that this is the second time I've

been on television?

Linkman: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just

about to get another result.

Norman: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A

very interesting constituency this: in addition to the

official Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very

Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he could

well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.

Voice over: Mrs Elsie Zzzz...

Linkman: (Silly)

Voice over: 26,317 (applause).

Jeanette Walker...

Linkman: (Sensible)

Voice over: 26,318...

Linkman: That was very close!

Voice over: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian

Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrrooo

Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward

(sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds

buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in

the..." (fires gun) William (descending swanee whistle)

"Raindrops keep falling on my" (ascending swanee

whistle) "Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo)

Naaooo... Smith...

Linkman: (Very Silly)

Voice over: ...two.

Linkman: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at

Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.

Norman: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony

Stratton-Smith has with him there the unsuccessful

Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips-Bong.

Tony: Kevin Phillips-Bong. You polled no votes at all.

Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed

with this performance?

Phillips-Bong: Not at all. As I always say:

Climb every mountain

Ford every stream,

Follow every by-way,

Till you find your dream.

(Sings:)

A dream that will last

All the love you can give

Every day of your life

For as long as you live.

All together now!

Climb every mountain

Ford every stream...

Linkman: A very brave Kevin Phillips-Bong there.

Norman.

Norman: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is

ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh.

Gerald.

Linkman: Right. Er, Colin?

Colin: Can I just say that I'll never appear on

television again?

Linkman: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to

pick up a few results you may have missed. A little

pink pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a

gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has

taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's

old constituency -- an important gain there for Darkie

Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristols -- that's not a

result, that's just a bit of gossip. Sir Alec Douglas

Hume has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small

piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from

Dunbar and two frogs -- one called Kipper the other one

not -- have all gone "Ni ni ni ni ni ni ni!" in

Blackpool Central. And so it's beginning to look like a

Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more

years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't want

to do this any more, I'm bored!

Norman: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of

time.

Gerald: Absolute waste of time.

Norman: I wanted to be a gynaecologist...

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