Hairspray - (The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs lyrics

rate me

TRACY

Well, I brought my own '45s,' so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff!

LOU ANN

Haven't you already shown us enough?

{The Council Girls snicker.)

VELMA

Oh my god

How times have changed

This girl's either blind

Or completely deranged

Ah, but time seemed to halt

When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Childhood dreams

For me were cracked

When that damn Shirley Temple

Stole my frickin' act

But the crown's in the vault

From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Those poor runner-ups

Might still hold some grudges

They padded their 'cups'

But I screwed the judges

Those broads thought they'd win

If a plate they would spin in their dance

Not a chance!

Cause I hit the stage

Batons ablaze

While belting high 'C's

And preparing souffles!

But that triple somersault

Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!

VELMA

Proceed...

TAMMY

Are you scared we're on live?

TRACY

No, I'm sure I can cope!

AMBER

Well, this show isn't broadcast

in...

COUNCIL GIRLS

...Cinemascope!

VELMA

I never drank one chocolate malt

No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

SHELLEY

How many sweaters do you own?

TRACY

Well, I'm sure I've got plenty

Let's see, I have three...five?...

Wait, I have twenty!!

VELMA

I would say 'Oy gevalt'

If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!

A tycoon I wed

So cuddly and funny

The old fart dropped dead

But left tons of money

So I bought this station

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS

So all of the nation

Could see

VELMA

Baby Amber and me!

AMBER

Do you dance like you dress?

LINK

Amber, there's no need to be cruel!

VELMA

Would you swim in an integrated pool?

(The Council Members gasp.)

TRACY

I sure would. I'm all for

integration, it's The New

Frontier!

VELMA

Not in Baltimore it isn't! And may I be frank?

First impressions can be tough

And when I saw you, I knew it

If your size weren't enough

Your last answer just blew it!

And so, my dear, so short and stout

You'll never be "in"

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS

So we're kicking you out!

VELMA

You can't get past me kid

But it isn't your fault

VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS

It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore...

VELMA

...Crabs!"

You may go.

TRACY

Um... thank you?

PENNY

Gee Tracy, that went well!

(Li'l Inez runs on.)

LI'L INEZ

Hello, may I please

audition?

VELMA

No, but you can bow and exalt!

'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore...

VELMA & THE COUNCIL MEMBERS

...Crabs"!

Crabs, Crabs!!!

Thanks to Will for these lyrics