What naivete could have caused such desecration? <br />
One autumnal night I detached and buried myself<br />
I drove out the sun and killed all growth<br />
And worshipped the trauma that scarred my destiny<br />
I became guilts, phobias, neuroses, compulsions<br />
Gifted with wings yet lacking knowledge of their use<br />
Mundane expectations and the sheen of despair<br />
Potential ruined by terrible circumstance<br />
<br />
Almost a year is lost and there are more days ahead<br />
Whilst my own limbs become cumbersome and weary<br />
Delusional, pathetic, spastic, and limp<br />
Repressing conflict and ineluctable meltdown<br />
<br />
Denying emotion, pleasure becomes routine<br />
Sweltering, stifling, blighting decrepitude<br />
Disguised by layers of useless humor<br />
My laughter is hateful to deprecate the optimist<br />
<br />
All my heroes are dead if they ever existed<br />
Retreating into patterns of defensive isolation<br />
The narcotic apathy of daydreams and fantasy<br />
And the pain is overwhelming<br />
<br />
I am not a philosopher but a narcissist in a fugue state<br />
Vapors of the past normalize into my ghosts<br />
I framed the walls and mountains that enclose my sanity<br />
Suffocating the senses and the instincts of power<br />
<br />
Adapting to the dark I became anxious of the light<br />
Movements slow and fragile, eyes dull as a mask<br />
Reacting to abandonment by abandoning myself<br />
A derelict child upon gargantuan shores<br />
<br />
Submerged within a delayed mind, alone with my hostility<br />
Only to guess at the depths of the caldera<br />
Hiding in hurts, using them as an excuse<br />
The cringing incongruity, the victim on display<br />
<br />
Incapable of even sleep<br />
Memories of joy are forgotten<br />
Embalmed by my own lies<br />
Driven to the point of honesty, I surrender<br />
<br />
I can no longer suspend my disbelief<br />
No one touches me to validate my existence<br />
I'm sick of living underwater<br />
I want my humanity back!!! <br />
<br />
This is not my paradise<br />
Creativity channeled into madness<br />
Frozen on the critical moment<br />
Reliving failure in quiet rot<br />
This should not be happening to me<br />
Insane because I turned my back on her<br />
All I can do is exploit my wounds<br />
Dying in a vacuum of loneliness<br />
<br />
I must not drown in my own intellect<br />
Tides of extinction below the psyche<br />
Dreams of genocide fade as fear dissolves<br />
Capable of more devices than destruction<br />
I want to stomp and prance in affirmation<br />
Spiders at the gate of an inner world<br />
Damaged, broken, obsessed<br />
I will be with her again