Dirty Rotten Scoundrels movie - Ruffhousin' Mit Shuffhausen lyrics
rate me<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
I understand you are completely<br>
numb from the waist down, is that<br>
correct?<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
Yes, sir.<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
No feeling whatsoever?<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
Mmhmm. That's right.<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
I see. So...<br>
<br>
This little pggy says-<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
-Nothing<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
And this little piggy, the same?<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
Uh-huh.<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
I suppose that it's futile<br>
To wiggle or doodle<br>
Or jiggle this piggle<br>
Well, ain't that a shame.<br>
<br>
And this one?<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
Like wood.<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
And this one.<br>
<br>
(Freddy shakes his head.)<br>
<br>
Zer gut.<br>
<br>
So, that's the entire contingent<br>
We'll have to try something a little<br>
more stringent.<br>
<br>
(He pulls a pussy willow branch<br>
from a vase and whips it through<br>
the air.)<br>
<br>
CHRISTINE<br>
Stringent?<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
Trust me, Fraulein, I am a doctor.<br>
<br>
When I was youg and I was cute<br>
And I was in the Institute,<br>
They banged it in us like a drum,<br>
The Corpus Hippocraticum.<br>
<br>
So just before you graduate<br>
You raise your hand<br>
And stand up straight<br>
And everybody has to wuoth<br>
That zippy Hippy-cratic Oath.<br>
<br>
You swear to God to heal the sick<br>
But do no damage-that's the trick,<br>
Even if you have to lop a leg<br>
Or God forbig, an arm.<br>
<br>
If it's the best, go crack a cheat<br>
Or slice 'em open like a wurst<br>
But first-<br>
Do no harm.<br>
<br>
(He wacks Freddy on the legs<br>
with the pussy willow)<br>
<br>
Yodekayeeoo<br>
<br>
Nothing?<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
Nope.<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
Hm.<br>
<br>
A medical professional,<br>
Before he starts a session'll<br>
Be sure to pause and clear his head<br>
And think on what Old Hippo siad-<br>
<br>
A real mnsch with lots of heart<br>
Bestowed on us this noble art<br>
And let me tell you, that ain't eas-y<br>
In three-hundred and eighty B.C.<br>
<br>
Defend the weak and mend the ill,<br>
Prescribe a pill then send a bill-<br>
For many years the system has <br>
Been working like a charm<br>
But you must recollect<br>
With great respect<br>
Hippocrates and what he versed-<br>
First-<br>
<br>
Do no-<br>
<br>
(WHACK!)<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
YOW-DELAYEEOO<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
That's lovely my boy.<br>
<br>
CHRISTINE<br>
But Doctor, this seems so cruel.<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
On the contrary, Fraulein, Sergeant<br>
Benson would be the happiest man<br>
on earth if he could feel any pain-<br>
Yah?<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
You bet!<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
Let's all yodel!<br>
<br>
(They do.)<br>
<br>
I said yodel!<br>
<br>
(WHACK!)<br>
<br>
The Corpus Hippocraticum<br>
Like bats out of the attic-come<br>
Like popes out of the Vati-come<br>
<br>
CHRISTINE<br>
Like nylon sheets with static come<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
Like jockeys from the paddock come<br>
<br>
CHRISTINE<br>
Or fishsticks from the haddock come<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
Or you psychosomatc come to me<br>
<br>
(He suddenly turns and exits. Freddy<br>
breathes a sig of relief.)<br>
<br>
FREDDY<br>
Well, I guess that's that<br>
<br>
(Lawrence runs back in brandishing<br>
the pussy willow and gives him the<br>
biggest WHACK yet.)<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
I look at him, the sorry face<br>
I know I have to take this case-<br>
It's who I am, it's what I do-<br>
If you were me, you'd haev to too.<br>
<br>
If I were him or I were you<br>
I'd look at me and like the view<br>
For here I am and here we go<br>
Hippocrates would wish it so.<br>
<br>
This man intrigues me, I will take<br>
Sergeant Benson on as my patient.<br>
<br>
CHRISTINE<br>
Doctor, look! He's so happy he's <br>
crying! Do you really think you can<br>
have him walking again?<br>
<br>
LAWRENCE<br>
Walking? I'll have him running,<br>
jumping, shouting, shrieking. Or my <br>
name isn't...<br>
<br>
(Punctually each word with a whack<br>
on Fredy's legs:)<br>
<br>
Dr.<br>
(Whack)<br>
Emil<br>
(Whack)<br>
Shuffhausen<br>
(And just for good measure:)<br>
The third!(WHACK!)<br>
<br>
<br>
