Dane Cook

Dane Cook - Umm Helllllo

rate me

Then get this right? I'm driving along man I'm driving

as I'm driving,

I'm driving safely. I'm obeying the rules..of the road.

Whatever sign comes at me I look at it and I go ..Ok.

you got it, sign.

Right so I'm driving safely all of a sudden a guy in

another lane,

compeletly oblivious to me. He starts coming into my

lane.

JUST COMING IN And if I didn't see him coming

in..accident.

But because I saw him..ah I see HEYY Right i see.

I assess the situation. I see I assess the sit-u-a-

tion.

And then I uh eased on the brake. As he's coming I

ease.

And I said what anybody here says automatically when

this happens.

You can't help it. It just comes out, ready? ready?...

Um, Hello?

...Um, Hi? Hello? Unless you're black. If you're black

it's a little different.

If you're black it's uh check out this

mothafucka..check out this

mothafucka!

If you're chinese it's *screech* *crash* So

that's...that's nice.

I go to a car accident. I got in this car accident

recently right?

Not my fault! This car accident was not my fault.

Right but you know how it goes...Get in a car accident,

even if it is not your fault. The other person, they

get out of their car,

look at you like it's your fault. Even if it is CLEARLY

their fault,

they get out. They're like. Alright, why did you stop

at a red light

and let me hit you doing 80?! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED

LIGHT?

Then you get out right? You go you start looking at the

damage.

You start looking. Keep looking at each other and back

at the damage

Will you please come and look at my damage with me sir?

If we look together maybe some magic will happen.

This is horri- feel this! This even feels damaged!

Do you have tools, can you fix this right now?

This is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged.

Even if I was blind I would know this is horribly

damaged,

by the way it feels.

Then you gotta exchange the information right?

That sucks cuz nobody ever has a fucking pen. You stand

there.

Do you have a pen- I don't have a pen...Can you

remember all my shit?

Do you have a lipstick or something? A crayon?

Right? So when you finally... here's what happens.

You finally get information going and you print your

stuff nice and clean.

There you go..there's my. I highlight. Everything's

nice.

You give him the... there you go. It's in an envelope.

Ugh yeah.

Nice and - But then you get their information and it

looks like,

they were having a fucking seizure while writing it.

You're like dude you got like a 28 digit phone number

going on here buddy.

And under name you drew a picture of a monkey fucking a

coconut.

What is that? Is your name Monkey fucking a coconut

sir? MFC? is that you?

MFC? That's a monkey... that could be a melon looks

like a coco-nut.

Then you take a second..here's where it starts getting

embarrasing right?

You take a second while you're doing the exchange.

You just look around for a second and there's people

EVERYWHERE.

They're like building bleachers on the sidewalk and

shit.

People coming out of bushes... What? Accident?

I'm gonna watch for awhile! Wow! They're discussing it

right there!

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