Dane Cook

Dane Cook - The Nothing Fight

rate me

Am i the only person here who loves to watch a couple

together that hates each others guts?

That has to be the most entertaining thing when you see

two people that just hate each other ..together,

and look we've all been there everybodys been in that

situation where you will stay with somebody you dont

even like them. Two weeks in and already you like pshh,

no way. I cant stand this peroson,

I'll hang around for 5 or 6 years then we can end this

thing violantly. I got time. Girls you make the

craziest excuses to stay, your friends will try and get

you out of it... Why dont you just go? Seriously Jill

just go, Jill? He's a jerk off. Just take your shit and

like I cant just go Kim, its not that simple,

my cd's are in his truck I can't just walk away from 40

or 50 cd's. Its gonna take 2 or 3 more years of a abuse

until I can leave with my cd'sThat couple is the best,

they fight over everything. Every little thing- huge

explosion. And its not even about the thing, its about

the fact that they wanna stab eachother in the neck

with a steak knife because they hate eachother's

existance. They get in what I call nothing fights.

Fights about absolutely nothing. Right, you see them

waiting in line for the movie theatre. They hold hands,

but its not loving at all. Its like this rigamortis,

romatioid athritis, red rover grip that they got going

on. And everything's an arguement. I should probably

bring my jacket, I might get cold.

You bring your fucking jacket. Ya think. Do ya think?

Yes. What if they're pumpin' AC in there, and then your

cold I have to go out and I miss the previews cause I

gotta get your fuckin' jacket. Bring your jacket.

I love nothing fights. The best nothing fight I have

ever seen in my life. I was at the supermarket a few

months ago and I'm going down the aisle and I'm at the

Stoffer's Fresh Bread Pizzas, and I'm deciding do I

want four cheese or one cheese. Cause sometimes, I like

a lot of cheese. Sometimes, I like a dancing pluffera

of cheese in my mouth. And then sometimes, I'm into a

more solo cheese adventure. Just a single, one on one.

Me and one cheese. Then sometimes I want an orgy of

cheese on my plate. So as I'm standing there,

contemplating my cheese future, I hear the nothing

fight going on in the next aisle. I dont know exactly

what they are saying, but I hear mumbles and grumbles.

Ok. I hear the guy going "grumbles" and I hear the girl

she's like "grumbles"care...*more

grumbles* care...I dont even care...even more

"grumbles"care.. "grumbles"...care. I dont even

care *grumbles again* care... I hear the nothing fight.

I start getting so excited. I'm like I gotta go watch

this, I gotta go see this. I'm so excited I leave my

cart. You never leave your cart. God forbid somebody

comes into the store and wants exactly that shit. And

they're like What. Jackpot. This is everything I

wanted. I'm peeking around the Intimate cookies and I'm

watching the best nothing fight that I've ever been a

part of. They're in eachother's face. Ok, and the guy

is saying to the girl and he's doing it like this Do we

have any jelly in the house? Do we or do we not have

jelly. You said we did last time. I'm looking in the

cabinets and I dont see any god damn jelly. I just

wanna know if we have any jelly in the house. And she's

egging him on, she's like I dont even like

jelly. I dont even like jelly. I get hives if I even

look at jelly. Wha--I dont even know about jelly. I've

never even--What is jelly. I dont even care. And he's

like I dont even give a shit about the hives. I want

jelly in the fuckin' house. Stat. Pronto. Tonite. I

dont give a--I will break your neck and pour jelly all

over your body and pray to the gods of jelly to burn

your soul in a jelly like hell. Now get the jelly!

I'm so excited, I'm eating the Intimates out of the

box. I've opened a box and I am eating.

I'll pay for it. Relax. I know you're concerned, but I

paid. This is the point during the nothing fight that I

like to get involved.

I have to get involved and I have to say something.

Just a little jab, a little poke that will fuel the

fire. And help take it to the next level. As they're

going back and forth, I walk buy them, I lean in, and I

go like this, hey dude, dude, dude, I know what you

mean about the jelly bro. Tell this twat to get jelly.

Now. See, see! Get the jelly-Uh, whats that word

again? What, Twat! Good word. Thanks bro. I didnt ev- I

forgot about that word. GET THE JELLY TWAT! Great word

dude, great word. Twat. Yes.

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