Benny Hill

Benny Hill - Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

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You could hear the hoof beats pound <br />

As they raced across the ground <br />

And the clatter of the wheels <br />

As they spun round and round <br />

And he galloped into Market Street <br />

His badge upon his chest <br />

His name was Ernie <br />

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west <br />

<br />

Now Ernie loved a widow <br />

A lady known as Sue <br />

She lived all alone in Linley Lane <br />

At number twenty two <br />

They said she was too good for him <br />

She was haughty, proud and chic <br />

But Ernie got his cocoa there <br />

Three times every week <br />

They called him Ernie (Ernie) <br />

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west <br />

<br />

She said she'd like to bathe in milk <br />

He said alright sweetheart <br />

And when he finished work one night <br />

He loaded up the cart <br />

He said you wanted pasturised <br />

Coz pasturised is best <br />

She says Ernie I'll be happy <br />

If it comes up to me chest <br />

And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie) <br />

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west <br />

<br />

Now Ernie had a rival <br />

An evil looking man <br />

Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington <br />

And he drove the baker's van <br />

He tempted her with his treacle tarts <br />

And his tasty wholemeal bread <br />

And when she saw the size <br />

Of his hot meat pies <br />

It very near turned her head <br />

She nearly swooned at his macaroon <br />

And he said now if you treat me right <br />

You'll have hot rolls evry morning <br />

And crumpets every night <br />

He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake <br />

He'd have his wicked way <br />

And all Ernie had to offer <br />

Was a pint of milk a day <br />

Poor Ernie (Ernie) <br />

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west <br />

<br />

One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door <br />

It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four <br />

And as he leaped down from of his van <br />

Hot blood through his veins did course <br />

And he went across to Ernie's cart <br />

And he didnarf kick his horse <br />

Who's name was Trigger (Trigger) <br />

And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west <br />

<br />

Now Ernie rushed out into the street <br />

His goldtop in his hand <br />

He said if you want to marry Susie <br />

You'll fight for her like a man <br />

Oh why don't we play cards for her <br />

He sneeringly replied <br />

And just to make it interesting <br />

We'll have a shilling on the side <br />

Now Ernie dragged him from his van <br />

And beneath the blazing sun <br />

They stood there face to face <br />

And Ted went for his bun <br />

But Ernie was to quick <br />

Things didn't go the way Ted planned <br />

And a strawberry flavoured youghurt <br />

Sent it spinning from his hand <br />

Now Sue she ran between them <br />

And tried to keep them apart <br />

And Ernie pushed her aside <br />

And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart <br />

And he looked up in pained surprise <br />

As the concrete hardened crust <br />

Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye <br />

And Ernie bit the dust <br />

Poor Ernie (Ernie) <br />

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west <br />

<br />

Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die <br />

Now he's gone to make deliveries <br />

In that milkround in the sky <br />

Where the customers are angels <br />

And ferocious dogs are banned <br />

And a milkman's life is full of fun <br />

In that fairy dairy land <br />

But a woman's needs are many fold <br />

And Sue she married Ted <br />

But strange things happened on their wedding night <br />

As they lay in their bed <br />

Was that the trees a rustling <br />

Or the hinges of the gate <br />

Or Ernie's ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate <br />

They won't forget Ernie (Ernie) <br />

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

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