Ben Folds Five - Bizarre Christmas Incident lyrics

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(Ho, ho, ho...Play it Grandpa...Yeah, play it...Let's tell them a little story

about what happened this Christmas.... Yeah, tell them... tell 'em 'bout

Christmas)

Christmas Eve, I didn't get much sleep

I kept hearing things, heavy breathing from the chimney

Who could it be?

(I'll tell you what it was... What happened then, Ben?... Yeah, what

happened?... Well, I went back to sleep... You went back to sleep? Back to

sleep? Shit... Tired man, went back to sleep)

And in the morning, I couldn't believe my eyes

A whale of a corpe with a long white beard

Was dangling over the fire

oh, Santa he's a big fat fuck

Went down the chimney got his fat ass stuck

Oh, honey, call the lawyers fast

'Cause Mrs. Clause is gonna sue my ass

hey, hey, hey

(Ok grandpa, step up, sing in this thing right here, tell 'em what you saw,

tell 'em what you saw grandpa)

I gotta tell you folks,

He wasn't wearin no clothes

He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil

from his back down to his toes

While I was talking to the cops outside

The dog was lickin Crisco off of his thighs

They hauled him away in a double-wide

What a sad, sad way to die

Hey, hey, hey

Santa, he's a big, fat fuck

went down the chimney, got his fat ass

oh, honey call the lawyers fast,

Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass