Allan Sherman - J C Cohen lyrics

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Listen all you children to my sad refrain<br />

About a subway conductor on a runaway train<br />

Squeezing people into cars, he won his fame<br />

And John Charles Cohen was the great man's name<br />

<br />

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />

IRT that's a subway line<br />

And if you gotta travel uptown<br />

He's a greater conductor than Leonard Bernstein<br />

<br />

'Twas on a Sunday in the summer and from everywhere<br />

People planned to take a subway to the World's Fair<br />

A half a million people tried to push and jar<br />

All of them determined to get in one car<br />

<br />

But the IRT depended on their finest men<br />

J. C. Cohen could pack a subway like a sardine can<br />

He pushed the people up and back and 'round about<br />

He squeezed so many in he squeezed the engineer out<br />

<br />

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />

How he'd moan, step to the rear<br />

J. C. Cohen, he really had a problem<br />

On a subway train without an engineer<br />

<br />

J. C. tried to get into the engineer's place<br />

But when he look inside the cab, he saw a strange man's face<br />

A half pint drunk with a full pint bottle<br />

He emptied out the bottle and he yelled, full throttle<br />

<br />

They passed Columbus Circle doing 82<br />

A couple minutes later they were under Bronx Zoo<br />

J. C. shuddered and he said, "I guess<br />

This used to be a local but it's now an Express"<br />

<br />

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />

Kept his head when everyone was tense<br />

He said, "When we pass the city limits<br />

Everybody pays another fifteen cents"<br />

<br />

J. C. said, "We're heading north, my friends<br />

But not a man alive knows where the subway ends"<br />

The train went under Albany at 90 flat<br />

And Governor Rockefeller hollered, "What was that?"<br />

<br />

A lady said to J. C. Cohen with indignation<br />

"If this is Albany then you have passed my station<br />

So either you should take me back to fifty ninth Street<br />

Or ask one of these gentlemen to give me his seat"<br />

<br />

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />

J. C. Cohen noticed something odd<br />

When he saw lobsters on the roadbed<br />

He said, "I got a feeling we're beneath Cape Cod"<br />

<br />

Oh well, the train kept speeding to the north my friends<br />

Finally came to where the tunnel ends<br />

When they came up to the surface from the long, long hole<br />

They were twenty seven inches from the great North Pole<br />

<br />

J. C. hollered, "Everybody out<br />

This is the end of the line beyond the shadow of a doubt"<br />

They went out to get some fresh air and before they took a whiff<br />

Cohen and all the passengers were frozen stiff<br />

<br />

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />

Bless his soul, he ran out of luck<br />

J. C. Cohen, he was really frozen<br />

And he had to be brought home in a Good Humor truck<br />

<br />

When they told Mrs. Cohen that she'd lost her man<br />

She said, "Must you interrupt me when I'm playing Pan?"<br />

Then she said to her partner, Mrs. R. J. Rosen<br />

"Cohen was a lovely husband but he's no good frozen"<br />

<br />

Then she went to her little boy and took his hand<br />

And she said, "I'm going to take you out to Disneyland<br />

So Melvin, little darling, don't you weep or wail<br />

'Cause you got another papa on the monorail"<br />

Got another papa on the monorail