Listen all you children to my sad refrain<br />
About a subway conductor on a runaway train<br />
Squeezing people into cars, he won his fame<br />
And John Charles Cohen was the great man's name<br />
<br />
J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />
IRT that's a subway line<br />
And if you gotta travel uptown<br />
He's a greater conductor than Leonard Bernstein<br />
<br />
'Twas on a Sunday in the summer and from everywhere<br />
People planned to take a subway to the World's Fair<br />
A half a million people tried to push and jar<br />
All of them determined to get in one car<br />
<br />
But the IRT depended on their finest men<br />
J. C. Cohen could pack a subway like a sardine can<br />
He pushed the people up and back and 'round about<br />
He squeezed so many in he squeezed the engineer out<br />
<br />
J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />
How he'd moan, step to the rear<br />
J. C. Cohen, he really had a problem<br />
On a subway train without an engineer<br />
<br />
J. C. tried to get into the engineer's place<br />
But when he look inside the cab, he saw a strange man's face<br />
A half pint drunk with a full pint bottle<br />
He emptied out the bottle and he yelled, full throttle<br />
<br />
They passed Columbus Circle doing 82<br />
A couple minutes later they were under Bronx Zoo<br />
J. C. shuddered and he said, "I guess<br />
This used to be a local but it's now an Express"<br />
<br />
J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />
Kept his head when everyone was tense<br />
He said, "When we pass the city limits<br />
Everybody pays another fifteen cents"<br />
<br />
J. C. said, "We're heading north, my friends<br />
But not a man alive knows where the subway ends"<br />
The train went under Albany at 90 flat<br />
And Governor Rockefeller hollered, "What was that?"<br />
<br />
A lady said to J. C. Cohen with indignation<br />
"If this is Albany then you have passed my station<br />
So either you should take me back to fifty ninth Street<br />
Or ask one of these gentlemen to give me his seat"<br />
<br />
J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />
J. C. Cohen noticed something odd<br />
When he saw lobsters on the roadbed<br />
He said, "I got a feeling we're beneath Cape Cod"<br />
<br />
Oh well, the train kept speeding to the north my friends<br />
Finally came to where the tunnel ends<br />
When they came up to the surface from the long, long hole<br />
They were twenty seven inches from the great North Pole<br />
<br />
J. C. hollered, "Everybody out<br />
This is the end of the line beyond the shadow of a doubt"<br />
They went out to get some fresh air and before they took a whiff<br />
Cohen and all the passengers were frozen stiff<br />
<br />
J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor<br />
Bless his soul, he ran out of luck<br />
J. C. Cohen, he was really frozen<br />
And he had to be brought home in a Good Humor truck<br />
<br />
When they told Mrs. Cohen that she'd lost her man<br />
She said, "Must you interrupt me when I'm playing Pan?"<br />
Then she said to her partner, Mrs. R. J. Rosen<br />
"Cohen was a lovely husband but he's no good frozen"<br />
<br />
Then she went to her little boy and took his hand<br />
And she said, "I'm going to take you out to Disneyland<br />
So Melvin, little darling, don't you weep or wail<br />
'Cause you got another papa on the monorail"<br />
Got another papa on the monorail