Allan Sherman - Good Advice lyrics
rate meGood Advice<br />
I know a man named Otis who invented a room,<br />
And his heart was filled with pride.<br />
I said to Mr. Otis, "What does your room do?"<br />
He said, "It goes from side to side."<br />
So I said, "Mr. Otis, if you take my advice,<br />
You'll be the richest man in town.<br />
You gotta take that room that goes from side to side,<br />
And make it go up and down."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
I sincerely doubt<br />
That the world could do without<br />
My good advice.<br />
Sir Isaac Newton came around to my house one day.<br />
His face was all sunburned and red.<br />
He said he didn't want to sleep in the shade of a tree,<br />
Because an apple might fall on his head.<br />
I said, "Sir Isaac, you dumbbell, take my advice.<br />
Go right back there and sleep beneath that tree.<br />
And if you let that rotten apple fall down on your head,<br />
Why you'll discover gravity."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
The world's a better place,<br />
Since I gave the human race<br />
My good advice.<br />
A man named Mr. Waterman invented a tube.<br />
He was sad because it sprung a little leak.<br />
He said, "Darn it, when I hold my tube on a piece of paper,<br />
The ink leaks out and makes a little streak."<br />
He said, "I've gotta find a way to stop that leak.<br />
I'll start working on my leakproof tube again."<br />
I said, "Waterman, you idiot, don't stop that leak.<br />
You just invented a fountain pen."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
I'm so worldly wise,<br />
I should get the Nobel Prize,<br />
For good advice.<br />
Good old Henry Ford, he was a hardworking man.<br />
He worked all night and all day.<br />
I said, "Henry, watcha doin'?"<br />
And Henry, he said, "I'm inventing the Chevrolet."<br />
He said, "I've already built twenty-five models,<br />
One for each letter from A to Z."<br />
I said, "Henry, you fool, there are twenty-six letters in the alphabet.<br />
He said, "Good heavens, I forgot the Model T."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
It's fruitful as can be,<br />
And it's absolutely free.<br />
My good advice.<br />
Wilbur and Orville were two brothers named Wright.<br />
The nicest pair of kids you've ever seen.<br />
They worked twelve years on a secret project.<br />
They thought it was a washing machine.<br />
I said, "Fellas, what are all those wings for?"<br />
They said, "For hanging clothes out to dry."<br />
I said, "You fools, take that washing machine out to Kitty Hawk,<br />
And see if the darn thing'll fly."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
I'm so smart that I'm<br />
Gonna win a Guggenheim,<br />
For good advice.<br />
(One more time)<br />
Benjamin Franklin was a charming old man,<br />
He was always flying his kite.<br />
One night I said, "Benjy, why ain't you out with your kite?"<br />
He said, "Because it's raining tonight."<br />
I said, "Benjy, sweety, you go right back out there,<br />
And to your kite string tie a key.<br />
This may shock you, Benjy my boy,<br />
But that's electricity."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
I'll be fond of you<br />
If you'll only listen to<br />
My good advice.<br />
Ooga Magoog was a Neanderthal man,<br />
A very poorly educated soul.<br />
He had a great big square thing made of solid stone,<br />
And in the middle of it was a hole.<br />
One day he had to go from his cave in Natchez<br />
To his uncle's cave in Mobile.<br />
I said, "Round off those corners<br />
And buy a set of tires,<br />
And Ooky baby, that's a wheel."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
Harvard offered me<br />
A Phi Beta Kappa key<br />
For good advice.<br />
Sigmund Freud, he had an unfurnished house.<br />
He was a very nosy fellow, so it seems.<br />
He had no chairs,<br />
So he made all his friends stand around all day,<br />
And tell him all their secrets and their dreams.<br />
Well, while they stood there talking 'till they got fallen arches,<br />
They yelled, "My feet are killing me. Ouch!"<br />
I said, "Sigmund, don't you realize you've got a gold mine here.<br />
Go out and buy yourself a leather couch."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
Every word you're told<br />
Will be 18 karat gold,<br />
That's good advice.<br />
Alexander Graham Bell was building a fence<br />
With some wood, and a long piece of wire.<br />
He said, "There's something strange going on around here.<br />
I keep hearing the voice of Uncle Myer."<br />
I said, "Mr. Graham Cracker," (that was my little joke)<br />
"With that wire you got the world in your palm.<br />
Just get a mouthpiece, and an earpiece, and a piece in between,<br />
And you'll sponsor The Telephone Hour."<br />
And that was good advice, good advice.<br />
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.<br />
Every word ya hear<br />
Is the message of the year,<br />
It's good advice.<br />
Christopher Columbus was a seaman second class<br />
When I told him that the Indies could be found<br />
By sailing to the West instead of sailing to the East.<br />
I advised him that I thought the world was round.<br />
(I really thought so.)<br />
And then I sent him down to ask good Queen Isabella<br />
To pawn her jewels for all their worth.<br />
Next day he set sail, and as everyone knows,<br />
He fell off the edge of the Earth.<br />
And that was bad advice, bad advice.<br />
Bad advice is just the same as good advice.<br />
Everybody makes<br />
Occasional mistakes,<br />
And that was bad advice
