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FRANK ZAPPA - The Poodle Lecture Lyrics

Artist: Frank Zappa
Title: The Poodle Lecture


In the beginning God made 'the light.' Shortly thereafter God made three big
mistakes. The first mistake was called MAN, the second mistake was called
WO-MAN, and the third mistake was the invention of THE POODLE. Now the
reason the poodle was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted
to build a Schnauzer, but he fucked up. Now a long time ago, the poodle
used to be a very attractive dog. The poodle had hair evenly distributed all
over its small piquant canine type BODY. That's the way it used to be, the
poodle used to be a regular looking dog. You know it's true, I guess you do
too. (Oh, I have to kiss you? Oh okay.)

Anyway listen, check this out. The poodle used to look good, you know the
regular dogs that used to hang out in the neighbourhood looked at the
didn't think anything of it. You know, they didn't use to make fun of it in the
olden days. But the WO-MAN, as you know, has always been much smarter
than the MAN.

Guy In The Audience:

You're the best!


That stuff is very bad for you, throw it away, okay. Now you're interrupting
my story, now listen . . . What is that? Is that the Tower of Power or what?
Oh no no, it's one of those dope fiend devices, take it away. Now listen:

The WO-MAN has always been much smarter than the MAN, you know this is
true. And so it was since the beginning of time. The MAN would do anything
to get some pussy. And that's why the WO-MAN always had control over

In the beginning the WO-MAN looked the MAN directly into the eye and said:
"I tell you what, why don't you go get a job because I could use a few nice
things around the house. Mainly what I need is a clipper, a scissors, and a
pair of zircon encrusted tweezers." (Thank you very much.)

And of course the MAN did his duty as they say in the trade. He went out
and he got a goddamn job. Went out and pushed that broom around for
about a dollar-2.98 an hour, brought his money back to the garden of Eden
and gave that money to the WO-MAN.

The WO-MAN ran out the back door of the garden of Eden, went directly to
the hardware store, got the clippers, the scissors and the zircon encusted
tweezers and came back and, while the MAN was very tired from having his
job, while he was sleeping, the WO-MAN got a hold of the POODLE.
Because the WO-MAN had noticed earlier that the length and proportion of
the poodle oral appendage, the tongue of the dog in other words, ladies and
gentlemen, was very much to her liking, except that this dog had too
goddamn much hair on it. It didn't have the disco look that's so popular
nowadays. And so the WO-MAN sat out to modify the aforementioned dog.
Let me get a little uh, visual aid . . .

Now she took the dog and she cleaned it up a little bit. You see, she took
a little bit of the back-part here, around the neck, the thorax, the tootsies.
Got all of the unwanted extranious material off this area which we shall call
Burbank. Then she set the little sucker up like this, really nice, got his
mouth set up like that. And squatted right ON HIM. Looking down into the
dog's eyes. She looked down into the dog's eyes, do you know what she
said to the dog? She said:

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